PROBLEM SHARED
My parents died weeks apart when I was 22, and I became estranged from my only sibling. I then found myself pregnant and raised my son alone. He is 44 and has been a constant worry due to his addictions and behaviours. For many years I’ve not allowed anyo
with
Professor Tanya Byron
TYou are clearly a resilient woman who has got on with life despite its challenges. You have probably got to a stage where you are so used to being self-reliant that, despite craving a connection with a special other, you struggle to believe it could happen. The way you describe writing off love feels sad – why shouldn’t you find love?
You differentiate between aloneness and loneliness, and this is key. If you have friends, you’re not lonely, but aloneness indicates a lack of that special person. Not
having that intimate connection can feel extremely isolating.
To find love and feel valued, you must value yourself. I suspect the lack of self-worth comes from never having felt a reciprocal love and from feeling worn down by the challenges you’ve faced alone. In order to be loved and cherished by another, we have to do this for ourselves. And you can.
As part of a process of learning to respect and value yourself, you will need to look at your relationship with your son. It sounds as if you have an anxious attachment to him, no doubt reinforced by his addictions and behaviours. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and, in order for him to do this, you need to address your attachment. It would be useful for you to explore how your anxiety directly or indirectly fuels your son’s self-worth. How much have you and he become so emotionally enmeshed that his behaviours represent his own inability to take emotional and psychological responsibility for himself?
The worry you hold for your son consumes you, reinforcing your sense of not being good enough. This embeds you in a place of self-loathing, leaving you feeling alone and also unavailable to others who may want to love you.
For your son to be able to face his issues, you need to show him you can do that with yours. As a parent who wants the best for their child, how can you expect him to
History explains our past, but it doesn’t have to define our future
take better care of himself, physically and emotionally, if you appear powerless to do the same for yourself?
To break this cycle, I suggest you engage in some psychological therapy. The early death of your parents, being estranged from your sibling and life as a single parent may have left you feeling insecure and, as a self-protective mechanism, afraid to form attachments. Perhaps you’ve written off love because you fear the pain of rejection and loss that, in your experience, comes with being close to someone? History explains our past, but it doesn’t have to define our future. Your GP can advise on therapy via the NHS or see itsgoodtotalk.org.uk, bps.org.uk or bacp.co.uk. Also look at support groups for parents of substance misusers – for example, adfam.org.uk.
You’ve tried your best in difficult circumstances and deserve the time and support to learn to give yourself a break.