Find the words when there are no words

GRIEF COUNSELLOR JULIA SAMUEL

WHAT TO SAY ‘When someone’s going through a difficult time, you might feel like it’s easier to say nothing than say the wrong thing, but the key is to acknowledge the unspoken thing at the first opportunity you get. The most simple thing to say is: “I’m so sorry this has happened”, or “I’m so sorry they’ve died.” Then, take your cue from their reaction. If they start telling you about what happened, then go with them in the conversation. But if they say “thank you” and then change the subject, don’t drag them back. The key is to acknowledge it. WHAT TO WRITE If you don’t know the person well but you want to show some support, texts are really useful. All you need to say is: “I’m thinking of you and sending you my love.” If you feel the relationship demands more from you than that, offer to see them, without pressurising them to say yes. Perhaps say: “I’d love to come round and see if I can help. Let me know if that’s something you’d like.” A letter to the family is something that can be returned to months later, when the pain isn’t so intense. It’s enough to say that you’re sorry, and if you have any memories of the person who died, or photographs they might not have seen, share them. How you grieve is by remembering the person who died, not by forgetting them. WHAT TO DO Bring some food, take the children out – whatever it is, do something practical. Make it as easy as possible. Don’t ask: “How are you?” ask: “What can I do?” The important thing is to build a channel of communication so you know what that person wants and needs. Don’t push doors down, but equally don’t run away just because you’re scared.’