PROBLEM SHARED
My husband and I want to retire early, downsize and spend several months of the year abroad now that our children are settled. The issue is my mother. She is in her 80s, fairly healthy, living in her own home and doesn’t rely on us for anything besides co
TANYA SAYS How exciting and liberating that you are ready to embrace greater freedom and the ability to put your own needs first. But you are clearly feeling shackled to home due to your mother’s dependent attachment. In effect, she has become another dependent needing you to provide the continuity of care and companionship you no longer have to provide your children.
You are in a real emotional bind. Whatever decision you make, you are damned if you do travel and also damned if you don’t, by risking either your relationship with your mother and experiencing guilt that you have abandoned her, or your own marital happiness. It seems to me you are experiencing cognitive dissonance, which occurs when we choose to behave in a way that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals and values. This is a very uncomfortable psychological position to be in and is often accompanied by guilt.
Your mother is basically asking you to take on the responsibility of being her carer, albeit minimally for now. For your mother to suggest you are abandoning her must leave you feeling selfish and uncaring, and would impact on the enjoyment of your travels.
It is estimated that about one in five people in the UK aged 50-64 are carers to an older family member. A third of the country’s 6.5 million informal carers are
aged 65 and over. Carers are, by a ratio of 2:1, adult daughters and daughters-in-law. This reflects the fact that community care is woefully poor for older people who are faced with self-care and family care at a time of life where they feel more vulnerable and alone. Alongside this there is well-documented evidence of carer fatigue and breakdown, where carers are up to three times more likely to suffer from mental health problems.
Your mother is dependent on you for company and so this is the area to think about with her. It may lead to some difficult and uncomfortable conversations, but not only is it in your interests to help her engage with other people, it is also in hers. Social isolation and loneliness are known to be health risks as serious as smoking, obesity and physical inactivity. Studies demonstrate that having supportive social relationships correlates with decreased mortality risk. I suggest you support your mother to access local communities and relationships, building a stimulating schedule of activities (try ageuk.co.uk). I also advise a conversation with your brother about how he can offer as much support as is practicable.
It is important that you enjoy this time of your life, although you may have to compromise on the amount of time spent away. And by enabling your mother to grow her social independence, you can enjoy your travels and also enable her to improve her own physical and mental health and wellbeing. Good luck.
There may be some difficult and uncomfortable conversations