PROBLEM SHARED
I have never got on particularly well with my in-laws and it has got worse. They have always been outspoken and forthright people, and over time have become even more blunt in their opinions, believing everything they read and see without considering the
TANYA SAYS We don’t choose our in-laws, and any festivities and special occasions can be challenging if relationships are strained by differences in attitudes and behaviours.
You are clearly challenged by people who hold opinions very different to yours. I can appreciate this would make a day together rather difficult. Tensions and disagreements can also be exacerbated by festive drinking, where alcohol lowers inhibition and there is an increased risk of things being said in the heat of the moment.
If you take issue with the opinions of your in-laws, Christmas is not the time to challenge them. This may feel frustrating, as not countering their opinions may feel like implicit collusion with what is being said. But the timing of such conversations, if they are necessary, is all-important.
It is useful to consider why the stridency of opinions expressed is increasing. It may be because your in-laws are getting more entrenched in their views as they get older. But there may be a level of provocation here if they are also wanting to exert some control over events. This is not to say that they are unpleasant people but more that they wish to assert their identity within a family gathering, and so their comments are a reflection of their issues, and not for you to take personally.
You may feel strongly about making a challenge, particularly if there are children present who you wish to protect from such opinions. If so, pick your battles and, for the sake of harmony, talk to impressionable family members once the day is over. Give them a context to what was said and help them to consider the bigger picture.
Accept that it is inevitable you will take issue with what is being said and decide in advance to show patience in the face of provocation. To help manage the situation, take a break to do something in another room when you feel frustrated.
Ultimately, you need to weigh up the costs and benefits of challenging your in-laws’ opinions. Would it make a difference to how they think or entrench them further in beliefs you already dislike? Are your challenges likely to lead to stimulating conversation where each other’s differences can be respected, or cause animosity? Would this then lead to a fallout with your partner and create difficulties at home?
Indeed, with regards to your partner, find a way to tackle this issue as a team. If there are topics where you predict offensive comments may be made, work out a calm statement to close down discussion jointly, if it were to become necessary.
Christmas, like all religious and cultural festivals, is a time to celebrate love, where differences are tolerated and hostilities set aside. To make the day work in such a way may feel false, but sometimes the most powerful challenge to what feels insensitive is to not dignify it with a reaction. Silence speaks volumes and you can make your position clear not by what you say but, in fact, by what you choose not to.
Accept you will take issue with what is being said and show patience