Dear Tanya He only communicates with me through sex
My partner wants to make love to me daily. Even though he knows this isn’t what I want, it doesn’t stop him from trying. When we don’t have sex, he ignores me. It’s emotionally draining. If I stopped having sex, our relationship would fall apart. He says
TANYA SAYS Sex is part of a healthy, happy, functioning relationship, but if it becomes the only form of communication, then questions need to be asked. Some people do find they can express their intimate feelings better through physical rather than verbal communication. However, what is concerning is the fact your partner won’t talk to you if you refuse to have sex.
The relationship you describe lacks any sense of reciprocity and seems to be built around your partner’s high demand for sex. You are clearly unhappy with this and you have to ask yourself how long you can cope with it.
My first question would be what he means by love in the context of his feelings for you. If love in a relationship for him is purely about sex, then how can you and he move forward?
There is a sense of menace in what you describe, as it seems that your partner almost holds you hostage via his demands for sex in return for you and him being together. What about the sex? Do you feel loved, or is it more like a function you’re expected to deliver, and more about his needs not yours?
You say that stopping sex would cause the relationship to fall apart, but I question the quality of a relationship where your needs are ignored and you feel you have no choice. There is a level of abusive coercion that needs to be broken in order for you to feel valued.
If your partner refuses to discuss this, then you have two choices: put up and shut up (which is what he seems to want), or take a stand and empower yourself by asserting your needs. Sometimes change can only happen when a different stance is taken in the face of a seemingly irresolvable situation. Think about how you can make it clear that the status quo is not fine by you. Stopping sex, or at least reducing it to only the times you desire it, is the clearest communication and may force your partner to examine how he can compromise so you both get what you want and need.
This may feel high risk but again I suggest you do a cost-benefit analysis in terms of the health of your relationship and also for you. How will your family fare if you become more unhappy as you feel more used? Your psychological health and wellbeing is important to overall family function. To stay together, there needs to be an honest appraisal of what is going on. At its core, your partner’s behaviour seems to indicate a lack of respect for you and an objectification of you as a woman and his partner. To address this now seems critical as to continue on will further erode a relationship that seems fragile.
It may be that you feel you have no voice in your relationship. If the core issue is that you and your partner have never really found your joint voice when you’re together, then it sounds as if you need help as a couple to learn how to talk.
I advise that you seek professional support from a sex and relationship therapist who can offer a safe space for these difficult issues to be raised and explored. If your partner refuses to attend, you can still take up counselling for yourself. Your GP may be able to refer you to an NHS therapist, or you could consider trying Relate (relate.org.uk).
You can empower yourself by asserting your needs