‘Tattoos have helped me reclaim my body’

For years, Jane Bland couldn’t bear to look at herself – then she realised how precious life is

At the top of my left arm, by my largest scar, there’s a pair of lips with the word gorgeous underneath. When I look in the mirror, it reminds me to embrace my imperfections. My body may be marked by scars, but I’m going to reclaim it by choosing tattoos.

I’ve wrestled with body image for as long as I can remember. From the age of 16, years of yo-yo dieting caused misery and a lack of confidence. As a twin, I’d look at my attractive, slim sister and feel repulsive. Aged 28, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and referred to a specialist therapist. I was so insecure that I married a man who I knew wasn’t right for me simply because it didn’t occur to me to say no. We separated when I was eight months pregnant.

Looking back, I thought I was a weak person, but now I can see an inner strength I hadn’t recognised was there at the time. I raised my son alone while studying as a mature student to become a teacher. I graduated aged 34, and was a headteacher within 13 years. Therapy helped with my body dysmorphia, but I still avoided looking at myself. I didn’t have a full-length mirror in the house until I was 50.

From 2007, I had cancer twice. Then, in 2014, a burst abscess in my abdomen resulted in me needing a colostomy bag and having several bouts of severe, life-threatening sepsis. By 2015, the governing body at my school recommended I take ill-health retirement. The loss of my job left me devastated.

However, the realisation of how precious our lives and bodies are caused a shift in my mindset. Having never had a tattoo, I started to get one after every round of chemo. Many have stories behind them, from the Greek wildflower on my back that reminds me of a solo holiday, to the tiny sunshine on my left ankle, drawn for me on a get-well card.

Now, I find it unbelievable that I used to loathe my appearance. In my 20s, I’d always hidden myself away in plain, baggy clothes, but these days I wear bold colours, and go swimming in a bikini with my colostomy bag, scars and tattoos all out on display.

Taking off my clothes... When I first saw the naked photos of myself, I didn’t like them. I saw my saggy boobs and my stomach, and remembered all the negativity that had defined me in the past. However, the photographer said she saw honesty in my smile – and she was right. When I looked again, my mindset shifted. ‘I’m all woman,’ I thought. I didn’t even notice my stoma. I saw openness and femininity. My body’s flawed, but it’s helped me to survive. That’s why now, when I look in the mirror, I smile.

‘Now I find it unbelievable that I used to loathe my appearance’