PROBLEM SHARED
My three children have left home and now my husband is talking about selling up and downsizing. He says it’s a waste rattling around in a large family house. I hate the idea of leaving our home, which holds so many fond memories. We might even have to mov
TANYA SAYS As we age, we become used to transitions we have to navigate in life. However, age and experience don’t necessarily make a transition more easy, and downsizing represents the passage of time and closing a cherished chapter in one’s life. To let go of your family home is to let go of the symbol of an earlier time and all the associated memories attached to it. This can be emotional, and for some people leads to feelings of anxiety, confusion, stress and even depression. Research looking at this issue within older adult populations has resulted in what you describe being called transitional trauma, or relocation stress syndrome.
The loss isn’t just of your home and your immediate environment, with its familiar places, faces and routines, but also symbolic of the loss of your children living at home and your role as their primary carer. To manage this transition is to accept these times have passed and the reality of getting older.
As the term suggests, downsizing means making life smaller and more manageable. This term does feel rather negative, and it might be more useful to replace it with making moves towards rightsizing. For example, living in a way that enhances your life moving forward.
This process makes logical sense and your husband feels comfortable with it and wants to move on. However, this usually involves decluttering. For you, this clearly represents significant loss, as possessions and personal items represent a way of keeping memories alive, even though in truth we always carry our treasured memories within us. Given your emotional attachment to your house, your possessions, neighbourhood and local friends, I can understand why trying to get your head around this entire process may feel overwhelming and perhaps you feel stuck, not knowing where to start. Feeling anxious, your reaction is to avoid facing the issue and you feel frozen when trying to contemplate how to manage it.
You need to have the time and space to process the impact of change and feel able to let go of a place that holds so much meaning. While your husband has clearly made his decision and feels comfortable with it as a logical next step in your lives together, you need to be able to communicate how you need time to get to a similar place in your heart and mind. The conversation needs to allow you to express your feelings and be emotional without fear of judgement.
I also suggest that you take a logical approach and start a number of decision-making exercises, including a simple pros and cons list of making this big move. Ask a close friend to support you and then explore all the cons together and consider whether they are dealbreakers or issues that will settle with time. Next, start problem solving by setting out the short, medium and long-term issues you will face. Brainstorm the practical aspects and begin to break them down into manageable chunks.
Rightsizing can be liberating and, once the transition has been navigated, many people find themselves experiencing excitement at the prospect of new opportunities. Indeed, to enjoy an exciting future it is often necessary to be brave and not allow ourselves to get stuck in the past and trapped by nostalgia. I wish you luck.
Downsizing feels rather negative – how about rightsizing?