DIVORCE: A SURVIVOR’S GUIDE
How to minimise the pain of a break-up
Midlife divorce is on the rise, and it is often women who are walking away. Nobody would claim that the breakdown of a marriage is easy, but if you are going through it, then this is what you should know...
After a restless night sleeping in the spare room, Julia Sondack came to a stark realisation. ‘I thought, I’ve probably got another 30 years of my life left, and I don’t want to feel like this.’ The admission came after months of trying to make her 25-year marriage work. Now, she realised that despite having two children and running a business together, she and her husband wanted different things.
‘I had put everyone else first and I knew that neither my husband nor I were happy. Not only was he not going to change, I wasn’t even sure I had the right to ask him to – you can’t force someone to be someone they are not.’ Instead, in 2014, she shocked him by asking for a divorce.
Julia, now 50, is one of a growing number of women who are ending their marriages in midlife. It’s well known that 42% of marriages end in divorce. The most recent figures (for 2016) show the highest number of divorcing couples are aged between 45 and 49. And over 60% of splits are instigated by women. So why are more women choosing to walk away? It comes down to more of us earning our own money, so we have freedom to make changes. And we’re living longer, which means we might be facing many years ahead in an unhappy relationship.
Divorce lawyer Katie Mccann, of legal firm Irwin Mitchell, explains: ‘Their kids have flown the nest – or will do soon – and they and their husband may be struggling to adjust to this new stage in their relationship. Women who have achieved independence in other areas of their life find themselves wanting more.’
WALKING AWAY
Julia worried about the effect her decision would have on her children, now aged 16 and 21, and struggled with the idea of selling the family home. ‘But I had faith that my children would adapt, which they did.’ Walking away from the business she had run with her husband was hard, but she threw all her efforts into building up her villa rental business, Holiday Homes Turkey.
Despite her best intentions to keep things as civil as possible, there were moments through their respective solicitors when there was more animosity than she would have liked. For some couples, the thought of ugly – and expensive – mud-slinging is enough to keep them in an unhappy relationship. But there are options.
Kate Daly co-founded an alternative divorce service called Amicable after going through her own bitter split. She believes that the most successful approach is for couples to keep lines of communication open between themselves, rather than through their legal representatives.
Many of her clients are aged 50 to 60, with children, homes, pensions and a whole lot of history with the person they are splitting from.
‘Over 60% of splits are instigated by women’
‘They recognise that divorce is a change to their relationship, rather than ending that relationship altogether. They want to be able to sit together at their son or daughter’s graduation or wedding. They understand that if they can communicate together through a divorce, they stand a much better chance of communicating as parents going forward.’ BIGGER PICTURE
That doesn’t mean there aren’t disagreements. Kate admits that ‘amicable’ is usually an aspiration, rather than a starting point. ‘The first question we ask people is, “How do you want your life to be at the end of this?” Keeping their eye on that vision will help them focus on the bigger picture rather than arguing about who will get the salad bowl.’
Most people want to keep things amicable for practical and emotional reasons. The emotional fears tend to be about their children, and – particularly if it wasn’t their choice – how they’ll get through the upheaval themselves. In practical terms, they worry about selling the family home and, if they haven’t pursued a career, whether they will have to go back to work.
Sue Nicholson, 60, had to dig deep when her husband of 35 years told her that he had planned a future without her. Sue, who had lived overseas throughout their marriage, decided to move back to the UK to start afresh after inheriting her mother’s home.
‘I was shellshocked and terrified,’ she says. ‘I was having to come to terms with my daughters leaving home and then my marriage ending. I had no friends nearby, no job and it was a very difficult time. For two years I was at rock bottom, my self-esteem in tatters, before I decided this was my chance to shape my future, my way.’
Sue made herself join local groups to meet people, revived her career as a nurse and instigated her divorce through Amicable, as she wanted to keep it civil. Five years on, Sue has a life she loves, with many friends and a rewarding job. She is even dating again. ‘You give up so much in a marriage that you can forget who you are. It has been lovely to rediscover the things I enjoy. I am proud of myself.’
Two years after her divorce was finalised, Julia Sondack echoes that sentiment. ‘Even my ex-husband seems happier, with his own life and a new relationship. As for me, I have found a strength I never knew I had.’
‘Women who have achieved independence in other areas find themselves wanting more’