SUSAN CALMAN
‘Naming a pet is serious’
If you don’t have an animal companion, you may shake your head at stories of dachshunds called Sir Edmund Ruffington III or tut at a feline Cat Damon, but for those of us obsessed with our pet best friends, naming them is a momentous decision.
The truth is that, as humans, we express our love towards our furry pals in many ways. From buying them treats and toys and sending them to salons to spooning them at night to the exclusion of a spouse (which is totally acceptable, by the way). And the act of naming them is just another way in which we show our affection and adoration. Personally, I have a great fondness for people who give their animals human names. I don’t know why, but overhearing my neighbour sighing while saying, ‘Andrew, I thought we’d discussed this,’ as a disinterested cat continues to dig up the flowerbeds makes me quite delirious.
Most excitingly, we’re allowed far more freedom when bestowing pets with an adorable designation than when dealing with human young things. Children can be cruel, so it’s often better to stick to a nice, normal name like Susan to prevent judgment from others. With furry friends there’s no need to worry about such things. I’ve never seen a group of guinea pigs standing in the park laughing at a fellow mammal just because it happens to be called Hamlet. And I’ve always loved a touch of the unusual when it comes to my tiny wild friends. When I was 13, I declared my hamsters should be known as Gríma Wormtongue and Rimsky-korsakov and my penchant for naming animals with a flourish has only got more eccentric.
Over the past 20 years I’ve adopted a series of rescue cats. I always take in the little angels with health problems or the ones that other people turn down because they’re a bit anxious or odd. It makes the process of finding their nomenclature even more important because they’re all so special in their own way. In the past we’ve had Muppet Dollop (he was a rather silly but lovely boy), Oscar Liberace (he was very much a show cat) and Idgie Threadgoode. At the moment we have Pickle Kylie Joyce Grenfell, Olivia Pope, Daisy Fay Harper, Dr Abigail Bartlet and DCI Jane Tennison. It’s fair to say that our vet treats us with a mix of sympathy and confusion.
That’s not to say that normal isn’t also wonderful. I know that for some people shouting ‘Ozzy Pawsbourne’ at a small terrier who has made a run for it in the local park might be embarrassing. And I can understand why the most popular names for dogs are Alfie, Charlie and Max for boys and Poppy, Bella and Molly for girls. A good, solid name for a companion is as appropriate as an extravagant one because, when it comes down to it, naming pets is a very personal thing. I’m just one of those folks who will always let loose with my hairy children. If any of our precious moggies leave us, we will undoubtedly adopt more rescue cats because I just can’t imagine our lives without them. And if that happens, I have a list of names at the ready. In the future you might be reading about Special Agent Dana Scully, Ruth Bader Ginsburg or even Billie Jean King. Our vet will continue to roll her eyes at us, but that won’t put us off. Our cats are the centre of our lives and their grand names are part of our love for them.
In my experience, nothing compares to the connection we have with our pets. They are a huge part of our family. Without question, one of the greatest quotes of all time comes from Anatole France, ‘Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.’ If I may be so bold, I would amend that slightly to say, ‘Until one has named an animal, a part of one’s soul will always wonder how cool it would be to have a cat named Meghan Meowkle.’
I am one of those folks who will always let loose with my hairy children