‘I applaud myself for having the courage’

Going through a divorce is a long and painful experience, but you will come out on the other side, says Avivah Wittenberg-cox

Turning 50 was the catalyst for Avivah Wittenbergcox to end her marriage and start again. While she respected her husband, she craved a level of intimacy she was not getting in her marriage. ‘I still had dreams and passions and wanted a deep emotional connection with a man who shared them, who listened to me and believed in me,’ she says now.

But her decision was nevertheless laden with guilt. ‘I knew it would hurt a lot of people I loved. It was the hardest and most difficult thing I’ve ever done. My husband just assumed we would carry on as we were, even though I had told him that I was unhappy. I lost some friends, too, who couldn’t accept that the perfect relationship they’d perceived didn’t exist.

‘My daughter, who was 14, was very upset and angry. All I could do was keep loving her, keep trying to reach her, and trust that she would come back to me, which she did.’ She now feels the experience has deepened her relationship with both her daughter and son, who was 18 at the time.

Despite the hurt caused by her decision, she has no regrets. ‘I applaud myself for having the courage,’ she says. Soon after, she began a relationship with an old friend. ‘I am now so supported in every way and that is completely wonderful and transformative,’ she says.

Avivah, who is CEO of gender consultancy firm 20-first, has written a book about starting a new relationship in midlife, called Late Love: Mating In Maturity (Motivational Press). ‘Your relationships can make or break a life that passes so quickly. Why waste decades when instead you can choose to change things?’