WHEN (AND HOW) TO TELL THE KIDS

Minimise the pain of your break-up on your children with this advice from Relate family counsellor Dee Holmes

◆ Teenagers give a great impression of not caring what their parents do. But if the relationship that has been the bedrock of family life changes, you can bet that they’ll feel the fallout, even if they lock those feelings inside.

◆ It’s important to choose a good time to tell them that you’re splitting up. Try not to dump it on them at a crucial moment in their lives, such as when important exams are looming. It’s almost always best if both parents can tell their children together. Then be ready to deal with the questions and upset that follow.

◆ Even if teens and older children rarely

seem to want to be with you, they still need to know that you are there for them. If they become clingy and crave reassurance, be patient – they need time to adjust. Make sure that they know they can talk to either of you, or someone else they trust.

◆ It’s okay to show that you are feeling upset, but don’t lean on your children too much. It’s destabilising for them to see you out of control. If they see you coping, they are much more likely to cope themselves.

◆ It’s also all right to acknowledge that one parent did something wrong that made the other unhappy, but bitterly

criticising your ex or coercing your child to take sides is not fair, especially as teenagers can see things in very black-and-white terms.

◆ Recognise that they need some control over the situation. They may not want to go to their dad’s every other weekend, for example, at this point in their life. Listen to what they think will work. Above all, give them the opportunity to share their worries. Some of them may seem trivial to you, but they matter to your child.