OWN THE PARTY ROOM
Are you slightly dreading the annual festive parties? Writer and comedian Viv Groskop shares her hard-won tips on how to be the life and soul…
Viv Groskop on how to be the life and soul
Mastering the art of having a good time at parties (and it is an art) has been a battle for me. My misguided attempts always ended in ‘enjoying’ things a bit too much, including multiple incidents of over-drinking (such as an office party that is still known as ‘the shaming of secret Santa’ when Santa – me – had rather too much pink fizz), forcing karaoke on people (‘But it’s Total Eclipse Of The Heart! Come on!’) and passing out, face down, on top of all the coats in the spare room.
Over the years, via hundreds of seasonal parties, I have learnt the hard way that the key to surviving and enjoying Yuletide festivities — whether work or social — is to set rules for yourself in advance and observe them as if your life depended on it. I prefer to adopt at least one of the following guidelines. Set a maximum attendance time. I recommend two hours (book a taxi for yourself). Decide upon a total of three drinks of pre-agreed quality (no cheap house wine). Meet three new people, then leave (I am sociable but there are limits).
Of course, it is fine to revise the rules once you get there. I went to one Christmas party vowing not to drink, only to discover that the host had just inherited a huge wine collection. It would have been disrespectful to drink mineral water in those circumstances. This decision was vindicated when I looked it up the next day and discovered the wine cost £2,000 a bottle. So sometimes the best plan is indeed no plan.
Here are my seven steps for surviving the traditional season of lukewarm Prosecco and optimistically proffered mistletoe.
MAKING FRIENDS FAST
Arriving alone when you don’t know anyone is every party-goer’s nightmare, so be kind to yourself. Take your time to scope out the room. This gives others a chance to approach you and it gives you an opportunity to see if there is anyone else on their own. Possible questions for other solo guests: ‘What brings you here?’ and ‘Hi. I’m Viv. What’s your name?’ (of course, you don’t need to use my name). If you can’t find anyone on their own and you need to approach a group, just hover a little and then ask, ‘Do you mind if I join you?’ Smile, be comfortable with listening and looking interested. It’s completely fine to be in a group and just take in their conversation.
ESCAPING A PARTY BORE
This is easy. But you do have to be ruthless. And you have to have a plan before The Moment Of Horror arrives. We all know what that is, it’s that realisation about seven seconds into a conversation when you think, ‘I don’t want to be talking to this person.’ As soon as you get this feeling, enact a plan that you’ve pre-agreed with yourself. Life is short, parties are long and there are enough other people there who can interact with this person. Don’t feel bad. Here are your options: ‘So sorry, I really need the loo!’, ‘Would you excuse me? I can hear my phone ringing in my bag,’ or ‘Can I stop you right there? I’m desperate to get another drink.’ Be decisive. Be strong. They’ll find someone suitable to talk to. Don’t sweat it. Just GET OUT.
PACING YOUR PROSECCO INTAKE
Party-goer, know thyself. We all know our limits (or lack of) and the trick to enjoying any party is to respect them. It does no harm to draw a distinction between events where you’re out to have a good time with friends and events where you’re there in some kind of work capacity. At the former you can afford to let your hair down and test your limits. At the latter, you need restraint and an iron will, or else you will end up pulling your boss on to the dance floor when you hear the first few bars of Hungry Like The Wolf. (I have done this. Do not do this.) Decide how many drinks you will have and when, and how many soft drinks you will have in between. Remember: choosing not to drink at all is an option. Get rounds for others where you can get yourself soft drinks. If you are really committed, become the designated driver. I have aggressive feelings towards anyone who challenges the soft drink choices of others. But I realise it’s a common reaction: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’, ‘You’re no fun.’ So annoying. But there’s no need to be grumpy about these reactions (like I am). Turn the other cheek, stick to your regime and be thankful that being teetotal is way more acceptable now than it was 10 years ago.
GUIDE TO FLIRTING
If it’s social, give it the full Christine Baranski in Mamma Mia! If professional, be wary. Even if you are a flirty kind of person, the combination of alcohol and work-butnot-work awkwardness can result in the most innocent of winks and nudges being misconstrued. Best avoided. At a social event, if you think someone is flirting with you and you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing rude about saying, ‘Excuse me, I just need to go and find the host…’ Or: ‘I need to check if my taxi has arrived.’ If you want to continue the conversation but steer it away from an awkward pass, then mention a partner or invent a fictional one.
THE ART OF SMALL TALK
Do not be afraid of small talk. If you hate it so much that you want to be swallowed up by the floor, maybe stay at home with Netflix. (I’m serious.) Everyone hates it. Keep it basic and don’t be embarrassed to be obvious, boring and banal. It’s okay. That is what small talk is. ‘I love your outfit.’ ‘How has your year been?’ ‘Are you going on a break soon?’ ‘What’s your connection to the host?’ Actually, don’t ask this. I once asked this at a Christmas party and got the frosty response: ‘I’m his fiancée. And this is my house.’ I had known this man for a long time and he had never mentioned her. Oops!
REMEMBERING NAMES
The trick usually cited is to picture something or someone you associate with that person’s name and mentally superimpose that image onto that person. So if they are called Richard, you might picture them with Cliff Richard. If they’re called Jeremy you superimpose Jeremy Irons. (Or, if you’re uncharitable like me, you imagine an iron next to their face.) If you’re in a situation where you know you should know someone’s name and you have forgotten it (welcome to my life at PTA social events), my trick is to introduce them to someone else where they’ll be forced to say their name. ‘Have you met before? I’d like to introduce the two of you…’ Then smile, sip your drink and listen carefully as you hear the name of the person to whom you have supposedly been very close for years.
FINALLY, WHEN TO LEAVE
One of the most important things to know about a graceful exit is that other people don’t need to know that you left. Identify whether there is anyone who actually needs to know (a host, a good friend, a close colleague, your spouse who has your house key) and tell them, ‘I need to go. It’s been great.’ Then go. It really is that simple. It’s essential to remember that no one needs to give you permission to leave and you don’t need an excuse or a reason. How to know when to leave? You’re having a great time and considering revising the drinks rule you previously agreed with yourself. This is the best time to go. Quit while you’re ahead. Do as I do and pop a mince pie (or several) in your bag on the way out. The journey home will be all the more festive. ◆ How To Own The Room: Women And The Art Of Brilliant Speaking by Viv Groskop (Transworld) is out now