Finding your quiet MAGIC

Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough, or that your inner-critic is spiralling out of control? TV and radio presenter Fearne Cotton explains how she has learnt to silence the negative brain chatter that can hold us back

Ihave reached a point where I really appreciate some quiet. Not just literal silence, but also a mind free from gloomy thoughts and selfanalysis. A quiet that comes from reducing that noise in our heads and having the confidence to ignore it.

This ‘quiet’ is a slice of time in between thought and action, where we can make a decision that isn’t based purely on what our inner negativity is telling us. It is about understanding what our thought patterns mean, and not being ruled by them. Within the quiet, we can act more intuitively and go with our guts and hearts to make decisions.

Finding the tools to switch off the noise has been so important to me. I share them in my new book, Quiet, with the hope that it can be important to you, too.

Identify your triggers

Think of situations that dent your confident outlook. Is it thinking of future plans on the horizon, or does it latch on to moments in your past? For me, it’s a little of both. My triggers are always the same:

◆ Spending too long on social media. Reading what others think of us is now more readily available and this can heighten our negative thought patterns.

◆ Failing is something that keeps a steady dialogue of negativity rotating for days on end. I know this holds me back massively.

◆ Getting run-down or sick. When I can’t be as proactive and determined as I normally like to be, I spiral quickly. I call myself lazy and useless and worry that I’ll never get momentum back again.

◆ Lack of sleep. My husband can carry on regardless of how many hours he has spent snoozing but I am full of self-pity and fear, so an angry dialogue forms in my head.

Recognising what causes those negative feelings means we can then start to combat them.

Don’t be defined

We must remember that the opinions of others don’t have to then become our own. We shouldn’t let things we have heard about ourselves redefine who we are. Of course, there is a fine line as we will all receive criticism that could be useful. Ask yourself if there is some constructive truth in what the other person is saying, or were they saying it in a judgemental way? Then we can react with dignity, knowing that this new information won’t deeply affect us long term and could actually be quite helpful.

Accept compliments

When somebody compliments you, is your response one of self-deprecation? Many of us worry and replay these moments in our heads, wondering how we came across and berating ourselves for saying something that could appear big-headed.

However, the other person will more than likely have picked up on your energy rather than the words themselves, so tell your inner critic to remember this and to stop planting questions and concerns in your head. Next time, say ‘thank you’ and smile without a caveat, then give a compliment back. It takes confidence to accept a compliment and not feel awkward about it.

Seek inspiration, not comparison

If we don’t feel anchored or focused on where we want to head in life, it is easy to envy what others have or compare ourselves to them negatively. However, we all also have the choice to look around and be inspired. How many people can you think of in the public eye or in your life who have pushed

Quiet moments allow me to get much-needed clarity and space

through social barriers or expectations to do what they believed was right? Focus on these marvellous mavericks and keep them in mind next time you want to feel inspired.

Cultivate self-love

Do you love your ability to make friends easily? To adapt and move with change? Do you love your aptitude for helping others or perhaps the way you can turn measly leftovers into a great meal?

Self-love is a strange, complex alchemy of forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes, honouring our true nature, remembering we are our own worst critic and diminishing the brutal chat we throw at ourselves when the negative chatter sparks up. Maybe we can’t always tick all of the above boxes but, if we start by loving a bit of ourselves, we can build up strength and momentum and begin to see these qualities as our magic.

Focus on friendship

Human connection is so important in moments of mental chaos. Again and again, I have been lucky enough to connect with some pretty special humans who have allowed me to offload without judgement or exaggerated reaction.

If we are feeling low, friends can help remind us how brilliant we are. They can coax out our fun side and celebrate the parts of us that others don’t seem to see. If the catastrophising voice is shouting, I phone someone I trust. Sometimes, I just need a jolly good yank back down to earth when negativity sends me rocketing into space. Another person has the ability to pull me closer to the ground and to what is really going on so I can observe these strange, dramatic thoughts, but not let them impact on my day.

Harness your anger

This isn’t to say we can never get angry if it’s justified. We should be passionate and vehement in our conversation as long as we still truly believe there is good reason for us to be so. Our brains might tell us that we have no place to stand up and say our piece, but that’s only because we are probably scared of the outcome. We are all going to enter into a certain level of conflict with others in life – it’s impossible to be agreeable all the time! These are the moments when I really need to find my quiet. Before I fire off a sharp email or say something I’ll regret, I take a moment. It could be a few seconds to breathe before choosing to retort. Sometimes longer is needed, so I’ll walk away and get some air or sleep on it. The quiet in these moments allows me to get some much-needed clarity and gives me the space to see why I have been so riled.

Don’t over-analyse

How much time have we all wasted wondering what others think of us? I have had sleepless nights going over conversations. Perhaps I asked someone a question out of pure intrigue, but now my brain is telling me that it will have been taken as intrusive and out of line.

Our inner critic loves to analyse the most intricate of moments and blow them up like a balloon. These moments become so inflated that we become blind to what was really going on. However, when we’re focused on this negativity, there are a plethora of outcomes we fail to see. Maybe the other person actually thought we were great!

We are never going to be able to fully please everyone – and confidence is the armour that allows us to speak freely without worrying what others think.

Live in the ‘now’

Because of how quickly we move in this day and age, we are constantly planning ahead. We give the ‘now’ a lot less limelight as we usually believe things will be better in the future. Of course, we can still plan and get excited for things on the horizon, but we need to find some balance. Stressing about the past or worrying about the future is pointless. By learning to enjoy the life we are living right now, we will find clarity and calm.

Awareness is otherwise known as the much misunderstood word ‘mindfulness’. Maybe as you relax into the now and notice what sounds and smells are around you, you’ll experience a reduction in negative thoughts. A few straggly thoughts might try to edge their way in, but by letting them appear and then float away again, we can learn to silence the negative voices and not let them rule our lives. A brain that thinks constantly without a break will run itself into the ground at some point. That’s why we need to think of these moments of quiet as less of a treat and more as an absolute necessity. ◆ Quiet by Fearne Cotton (Orion Spring) is out now*