SUSAN CALMAN Goat yoga? You have to be kidding, says our columnist

For years our columnist has resisted advice to take up yoga, but now that she’s heard about classes with animals, she’s seriously tempted

I’m pretty open about the fact that I’m a tense and anxious person. What’s curious about being honest about my mental health is that people react to me in many different ways as a result. Some are awkward and don’t know what to say, some are overly sympathetic and try to empathise, but my favourites are the ones who offer me advice. These nuggets always come from a good place, particularly if they have found something that they find makes their head feel better. And there’s one activity that is constantly suggested to me, often in hushed tones, as if I’m being offered the Holy Grail of relaxation: yoga.

The consensus of friends, doctors and people I’ve never met before seems to be that if I could just embrace the love of bendy relaxation, I would find a new level of mental peace.

I always react with a polite nod and a determination never, ever to do it. Part of my reluctance comes from a place of fear. I have, on occasion, peeked around the corner at my gym and watched as a class stretches in impossible ways for an hour. I try to look casual while gasping in horror at the thought of behaving in such a manner in public.

I’m terrified for a few reasons. Firstly, I am not in any way bendy. My back is as rigid as a piece of plywood. It would be easier to stuff the Eiffel Tower into a shoebox than to get me to touch my toes. Secondly, I feel self-conscious bending over in a crowded room. I have been known to break wind and blame it on my wife. I’m not sure shouting, ‘It was her!’ in the middle of a yoga studio would win me friends. Thirdly, I might fall asleep. Seriously. A hot, dark room can make me fall asleep instantly. And finally, yoga is mostly a barefoot pastime. I have hairier toes than a hobbit. The sight of them won’t relax anyone.

Whatever my misgivings, however, so many people have been recommending it to me that I have started to wonder if I should just bite the bullet and give it a try. And things have started to look more positive since I recently discovered that you can combine yoga with one of my favourite things: animals.

I should say that I have done what I consider to be cat yoga before. I simply lie on my sofa with my kitten on top of me and stretch just far enough to reach the remote. This can go on for hours and, by the end of it, I’m quite exhausted. I suspect that purists would say such attempts don’t really count, though.

But it turns out that goat yoga is a real thing. The goats mingle with the class, and they often join in, even standing on the backs of participants. Alpaca yoga is similar, although alpacas are slightly larger and you might not want one of them climbing all over you. What these classes have in common, though, is the theory, with scientific research to back it up, that simply being near animals, never mind having contact with them, can actually help release happy hormones in the brain. So, by combining a relaxing and mindful pursuit with some warm furry friends, you have double the chance for enjoyment.

My interest has definitely been piqued. Sadly, however, I have been defeated by an annoying reality check. While I’m sure that in some parts of the country you could find any kind of yoga class you want, it seems that Glasgow – where I live – is rather conservative and I haven’t been able to find so much as pigeon yoga to try. But I have genuinely decided that perhaps it is time to put aside all of my fears and have a go at traditional yoga. The worst-case scenario is that I am proven entirely correct about it and can say, with absolute certainty, that it’s not for me. But you never know. It might work. It might just be the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m even shaving my toes ready for the occasion.

Combining a relaxing pursuit with furry friends doubles the chance for enjoyment