‘ALEX IS MY SON AND I’M VERY PROUD OF HIM’ One family’s transgender journey
How would you cope if your son or daughter wanted to change gender? Lisa Raynes reveals the journey that her family has been through since her eldest child came out as transgender
Alex was 12 when he dropped his bombshell. We were in a restaurant and the waiter had just mistaken Alex for a boy. Alex, who was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, couldn’t suppress his delight, a coy smile spreading across his face. It was the lead-in he felt he needed to begin a conversation that his father, Adam, and I had never expected.
Up until that point, Alex was known by the girl’s name we’d given him at birth. He was a she. A girl. Our baby. But now, Alex was explaining to us that he wasn’t really a she, not inside. Not in his mind or heart. He was a boy, he was transgender.
As I sat there, looking at my child, thoughts raced through my mind, ‘How would I tell my parents, my brother?’ Up until this revelation, I’d never heard of transgender and my immediate thought was that Alex would be bullied. In my head, we’d already packed up and moved house to avoid the neighbours, the gossip, the whispering. I didn’t reveal these thoughts to Alex. I just listened.
Adam reacted differently. He challenged Alex. He wanted to know if there was a test? Some proof? Alex was only 12 after all; how could he know with clarity what this meant? Adam and I dealt with Alex’s news as individuals. Our marriage was going through difficulties (we separated and divorced the following year) and we coped in our own ways.
Growing up, Alex had always been a quiet, serious child and I worried that he didn’t make friends in the way his peers did, preferring to play alone. He’s the eldest of our three children and, as parents, we tried not to stereotype. So, although he loved Angelina Ballerina and playing with his tea set, his childhood also included train sets and cars.
GETTING SUPPORT
I viewed Alex as a tomboy, always choosing jeans over dresses. A particularly stressful shopping trip to buy Alex a dress for his Bat Mitzvah [Jewish coming-of-age ritual for girls] will remain vivid in my memory. Alex protested the whole time, refusing to try dresses on.
Alfie, our youngest child, was only five and too young to pay Alex’s transition any attention, but Charlie, who was nine, mourned the loss of her sister. Alex and Charlie always lit the candles together at our Friday night Shabbat dinner, which is customary for Jewish girls. When Alex stopped lighting the candles, Charlie reacted badly. As a result, Friday dinner became tense, so we stopped the rituals, but still had the family meal.
On the recommendation of a friend, I spoke to the Samaritans and discovered Mermaids, a charity for young people questioning their gender. I confided in my cousin, who is a lesbian; she was very understanding, and told me about LGBT support in Manchester, where we live.
Anxious to get Alex help, we also visited the GP and CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), and were referred to Tavistock and Portman, a clinic for gender identity, specifically for young people. Alex was assessed and diagnosed with gender dysphoria.
We decided to take a proactive approach to announcing it, rather than waiting for people to come to us and question Alex. I felt strongly that if we put Alex’s transition out in the open ourselves, then we had the control.
We set a date for Alex to transition socially, though his physical transition would take longer. We decided that he’d come out as a boy at his friend’s Bar Mitzvah. I announced it on my Facebook page and told friends and family, and we went shopping for a suit. We spoke to his school and he could attend as a boy, but had to use the disabled toilet and wasn’t able to use the male changing room. People reacted by asking questions: ‘Are you sure? What if he changes his mind?’ But my attitude was, and still is, to ignore such questions and take the approach that this is Alex, like it or lump it.
I have since remarried and my husband, Iain, and his two children,
I don’t think Alex knows how brave or inspirational he is
Alexander, 20, and Emily, 17, have always been completely accepting and supportive of Alex; they’ve only ever known him as a boy.
Alex, meanwhile, has a positive approach and outlook, but it has been a struggle. He has suffered with depression, and seeing your child feel that they don’t fit in is hard. It’s physically and mentally gruelling. The assessment process is lengthy, so it was more than a year before Alex was prescribed hormone blockers, during which time he developed breasts and started his periods, which was distressing. The NHS have been fantastic, but when teenage bodies change so quickly, time is critical, which makes the waiting agonising. Although
Alex is on blockers to halt female hormones, he still has to bind his chest daily and seeing him go through that is hard. It sounds like a bizarre thing to say, but
I’d like Alex to have chest surgery before he goes to university, so he can feel happy in his own skin.
Alex is my child, he’s my son and I’m very proud of him. I don’t think he knows how brave or inspirational he is. Of course, I worry about his future: his medical transitions and finding love. But I worry about the future for my other children, too. That’s just being a mum.
Alex’s dad, Adam, says:
When Alex told us he was transgender, I was confused and, if I’m honest, angry. He didn’t like wearing dresses and his best friend was a boy, but there were no other signs. I was training to be a nurse at the time, but I knew nothing about transgender. There was ignorance on my behalf, and negativity. I was reluctant to accept that a 12-year-old could make such an important decision.
I asked medical professionals and lecturers on my nursing course to help me understand what Alex had told me, as I was worried for his future and felt that being transgender would make life more difficult for him. But now, after all we’ve gone through over the past six years, I realise that it wasn’t ever a choice. Alex is a boy, he’s always been a boy. People think it’s a mental health problem, but he was born in the wrong body.
The first few weeks after coming out as a boy were euphoric; it just felt right
Once Alex was referred to experts at Tavistock and Portman, I noticed a change in him. Alex became so much happier.
Lisa and I are very different. I’m more hearts and minds and Lisa, who is an architect, is more analytical. Despite our differences, we are united in wanting the best for Alex.
Life has carried on. We do Parkruns together on Saturday mornings and Alex is considering applying to study philosophy at the University of Cambridge. All my fears about Alex not being accepted have never been realised, which is a relief. He has the support of school friends and his whole family, which I know will make any hurdles in the future easier to overcome.
Alex, 17, says:
Growing up, I wasn’t conscious of gender; mine or anyone else’s. My best friend was a boy and
I felt happier in boys’ clothes, but I hadn’t heard of gender dysphoria, so I didn’t grow up saying, ‘I wish I was a boy.’ I just felt different. When I was 12,
I saw a BBC documentary about gender dysphoria called My Life: I Am Leo, and something clicked. The more I googled, the more everything came together.
I was excited to have an answer to why I felt so different, and I wanted to share it with my parents. The first few weeks after coming out as a boy were euphoric. I remember going out with my dad and feeling elated that he used the right pronouns. Going to school in a different uniform, sitting in the male section in the synagogue, using a boy’s name, it all just felt right.
It hasn’t been easy. I was anxious about puberty starting, and it took 18 months to get hormone blockers. I was desperate to stop developing and thought the blockers weren’t working. Depression can be a side effect of blockers and I experienced low mood, so we had to adjust my dosage.
I’m studying for my A levels and life feels normal now, but my transition is not over. I’ve had to make difficult decisions about taking hormones and deal with the side effects; physically, I have the body of a 13-year-old. It’s important to me to go through male puberty and become more masculine, so I’m on testosterone and I’m hoping puberty will begin soon.
If it was a choice, I wouldn’t choose to be trans. Not because I’ve been ostracised or bullied, but simply because it’s hard living a life in the wrong body.