Love and connection to 0thers is vital

Sadly, there are many people who have had to deal with both loneliness and loss. Grief expert Julia Samuel shares her guidance.

The ashen face of my client on a Zoom call, a 73-year-old woman whose husband had died of Covid-19, is etched in my memory. And so are her words: ‘He was alive and well only three weeks ago. I can’t believe he’s gone.’ Death is always shocking and grief is difficult, but it has had an added complexity during the pandemic. Since my client couldn’t be with her husband, she showed me the video of him dying in an intensive care unit, in a coma, hooked up to a ventilator, his hand being held, prayers said, music playing by kind nursing staff in PPE. It was both surreal and horrendous. She is one of tens of thousands grieving in this way.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but most people would agree it is always lonely. It is the love and connection to others that enables us to bear the emptiness, and over time, find a way both to grieve the death and adjust to our new reality. Usually, that warmth is expressed through the ritual of the funeral and family, friends and neighbours supporting us. Until there is a vaccine for Covid-19, socialising in a way that gives heartfelt warmth and solace is off the table.

I think it is likely that many people bereaved during the pandemic will have suspended grief, or post-traumatic stress disorder and, for them, I suggest professional psychological support, now being offered online. Do not wait to access help: the earlier, the better.

When someone dies, no one can make it better, but these are some things you can do to make a difference:

● Love and connection to others is vital, and enhanced when we can do it in person. As difficult as it may be when you are so vulnerable, try to tell your friends and family what you need from them – whether you want them to listen to you, to drop off food for you, to go for a (socially distanced) walk with you. Try to be honest, don’t say you feel okay when you don’t, try to find the words for what you are feeling. It is better to set aside specific times to speak; don’t wait until you feel like it. It also adds structure to your day, which can balance the sense of chaos that grief engenders.

● Grief is embodied; we can feel it physically in myriad ways; exhaustion, pains in our chests, feeling frozen or fuzzy headedness. Exercise, moving your body in whatever way best suits you, particularly outside, helps shift that sense of being stuck. Do it every day, but also take time to rest, perhaps listening to music or watching comforting TV.

● Research shows keeping a journal to put down what you feel, in any way that suits you, is beneficial. It is also consoling to have a record of your grieving process to look back on.

● Give yourself time: time to feel the pain of grief, time to remember the person who has died, time to feel nothing and everything. Grieving when you are alone might mean time will stand still, so have some structure in your day, and keep your perspective of future plans short; ‘keep it in the day’ is a good adage to help you stay focused on the here and now.

Try to tell friends and family what you need from them