11 WAYS TO MAKE LOVE BLOOM

It could be a thoughtful note, a surprise treat or just paying attention when your partner talks to you... Conversations On Love author Natasha Lunn shares the simple secrets to creating a happier relationship

Experts share their secrets to creating a happier relationship

When I was younger, I used to dream about certain milestones in love: a first kiss, a wedding day, a glass of Champagne to christen a new home. I never dreamed of the in-between days, when my husband might peel potatoes while I stirred gravy on a Sunday afternoon. I never thought about how important it would become to be kind when you’re tired, or generous when you’re busy, or honest when it would be more flattering not to be. Yet these tiny decisions are the cogs that keep a relationship turning. Sometimes they appear in ordinary moments: the choice to leave a thoughtful note, or to say ‘I love you’ before turning out the bedside light. At other times, they arise in harder decisions: to empathise during an argument, or to look your partner in the eyes and really listen, even when it feels as if you don’t have the time.

After four years of interviewing authors, therapists and relationship experts for a book and newsletter called Conversations On Love, these are the choices that I’ve learned are important in a long relationship; and not just once a year with a wedding anniversary card. Because, however strong our relationships or marriages are, they will go through many iterations in a lifetime, and there are always ways to strengthen them (and to find more joy within them, too). I now see a relationship as being much like a plant, needing to be tended to regularly, so it can grow and bloom.

Show your intention

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is love is an action, not a feeling. Couples therapist Esther Perel put it this way: ‘If you tell me, “I care about my partner,” then my second question is, “How do you show it?” The fact that you feel it isn’t enough.’ Even if you assume your partner knows you love them, they still deserve a little evidence: a gesture that shows you’ve considered them. Esther suggests that could be surprising your partner – cooking their favourite meal for no reason, or doing something you don’t enjoy just because your partner cares about it, like booking tickets to see a film or show they’ll appreciate, even if it’s not to your taste. The important thing is that your partner sees the intention. As Esther says: ‘It’s a way of saying: you matter to me, and I’ll go out of my way to show you.’

Respond to bids for attention

Perhaps your partner tries to tell you a story about a colleague while you are busy cooking, or attempts to discuss a newspaper article when you are checking your emails. These efforts to share might appear mundane, but, after studying thousands of couples, psychologists Dr Julie and Dr John Gottman found the way in which we respond to them can determine the strength of a relationship. If you notice and turn towards them around 86% of the time, you are building on your connection, trust and intimacy. But if you turn away and only respond around 33% of the time, you are inviting distance into your relationship. Of course, sometimes we will be distracted by an important email. But that should be the exception, not the norm. The rest of the time? Put down the phone, look into your partner’s eyes, and remember that these small attempts to get your attention are the building blocks of love.

Ask meaningful questions

In the early stages of a relationship, you are curious about each other. On dates, you sit opposite someone in a restaurant, making eye contact, trying to find out who they are and were and want to be. Then, as years roll by, instead of asking, ‘What do you want your life to look like in five years?’ you might be more likely to ask, ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ It’s easy to let these questions nudge out the more meaningful ones, but I learned from psychotherapist Susie Orbach that, ‘Love goes wrong when we forget to tell people who we are and forget to ask who they are.’ We have to ask these deeper questions in order to remain close. If that feels artificial or daunting, try The School Of Life’s Connect game (theschooloflife.com). It contains a series of questions covering five categories: appreciation, aspiration, desire, forgiveness and growth. The aim is to make sure you have a conversation that’s full of laughter and surprises.

Take it in turns

It’s easy to slip into different roles and stay fixed in them. But when I spoke to psychotherapist Philippa Perry, she explained that, in fact, it’s good to share roles. The most dominant ones are what she calls ‘the dreamer’ and ‘the accountant’. The dreamer might make plans for future adventures or ideas, while the accountant sorts out logistics like bills and life admin. Philippa told me that in her marriage to artist Grayson Perry, she is continually forced into the role of the accountant while he does the dreaming – and she fights it. She explained: ‘Otherwise I would be ripping open envelopes and making lists, with no space for my own creativity.’ Of course, if your partner is better at something, it can be tempting to let them take it on, which is why we have to actively keep taking turns. For example, my husband is a good cook and I’m not. It would be easy for me to let him take on all the cooking. But then, he would enjoy it less and I would never learn to improve. Both of

us benefit from taking turns.

Tiny decisions are the cogs that keep a relationship turning

Make space for change

When you commit to loving someone, you have no clue who each of you will be in 10, 20, 30 years’ time. You make a pact to build a life without knowing what it will look like: who will get sick or lose their job, whose sex drive will change or whose parents will need regular care. As the writer Mira Jacob told me, ‘The truth is, you don’t ever choose a person, because they change and your lives do, too. What you’re really choosing is how a person weathers change and how you weather change with and alongside them.’ It’s important to allow space for your partner to change, rather than assuming they’ll always feel a certain way or have the same needs. Sometimes that can feel threatening or uncomfortable. But Mira reminded me that it’s also wonderful to know that our partners can still surprise us, even after decades of being together.

Love is built on small details

Accept that desire will ebb and flow in your relationship

Rather than believing you should have sex a certain amount of times a week or month, sex educator Emily Nagoski believes it’s helpful to acknowledge that desire is not constant. It’s normal for it to dip if you’re caring for an elderly parent, just as it might have done earlier in your relationship after you had a child. According to Emily, worrying about why you’re not craving sex during these periods is a surefire way to make you want it even less. ‘Judging sex is a great way to shut it down,’ she explains. ‘So the more you can relax and recognise it’s normal for desire and sexual connection to ebb and flow in a relationship, the more freely you can move out of those phases in which sex fades, and back into a phase in which it returns.’

Practise the rosy glow

According to psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, to stay connected, it’s helpful to ‘make a point of expressing what the other does’. This doesn’t have to be a lengthy chore – just a simple but joyful way of acknowledging each other. Try one of Charlotte’s favourite rituals, ‘the rosy glow’: write down three positive things you’ve noticed about each other, from the past or present. It only takes five minutes, but she’s found that couples are often surprised by the ‘boosting power of ordinary appreciation’. Not only will it show your partner that you recognise their wonderful qualities, it will also remind you what you love about them.

See arguments in context

Every couple bickers. The healthiest ones, according to relationship coach Susan Quilliam, are ‘those who can argue without feeling threatened, come back together quickly and see the conversation in context’. She believes that arguing itself isn’t the problem; it’s how each of you responds to an argument that can be an issue. Do you snap, get irritated, speak over your partner and try to win the argument? Or do you try to see their side of it, even when and if you don’t agree with their opinion? The latter isn’t easy, but when you realise that competition is the enemy of a good relationship, and that if you try to win an argument then you’ll both end up losing, Susan says you’ll get better at negotiating your way through it more quickly.

Have a little distance

When you’ve lived together for decades, it can be easy to merge your lives completely, to think as ‘we’ all the time. When this happens, Susie Orbach explained to me, ‘you can miss the fact that the other person has a separate mind and path, and a separate set of desires’. That, in turn, can make it harder for you to appreciate your partner. After all, it’s easy to notice someone when they are not there. But it’s harder to pay attention to someone when they are right in front of you, every day, their life so closely intertwined with yours that – if you’re not careful – you can forget to see them as an individual. To combat this, Susie said, ‘It’s about keeping the balance between them being yours, so to speak, and them also being “other”. As long as you can keep that fact, I think you can continue to be interested.’ In other words, separateness strengthens togetherness.

Don’t neglect the little things

In many of my conversations, it was the little things that people returned to. Dr Julie Gottman emphasised the importance of an eye gaze or a nod; Charlotte Fox Weber said the same about basic acts of thoughtfulness: greeting each other, saying please and thank you. Because, as much as the bigger things, love is built on small details: the squeeze of a hand, a kind sentence written in a card, a spontaneous cup of tea. It is in everyday moments like these that we have opportunities to choose love again and again.

See disconnection as a signal, not an alarm bell

The word ‘disconnection’ can sound unnerving, when, actually, it is just a normal part of a long-term relationship. Because none of our lives are static – there will be promotions and debt, tricky relatives and attractive strangers and mundane days – we have to keep making an effort to connect with those we love. That’s why Charlotte Fox Weber believes we should ‘normalise and expect some disconnection in pretty much all relationships, no matter how loving’. She told me: ‘As human as it is to turn towards each other, it’s as human to turn away from each other at times. The point is that it’s not a sign of some unavoidable tragic fate. It’s a signal to take care of your relationship.’ Plus, if you respond to that signal, you might find even more joy together. As Charlotte reminded me: ‘When we reconnect, we can discover new things about each other and ourselves; this is how we grow.’

Conversations On Love (Viking Books) by Natasha Lunn is published on 15 July

Have a conversation that is full of laughter and surprises