Polly Vernon
I came a little late to the Orlando Bloom dick pic party of last week (a sentence I never thought I’d write, but oh! It feels so good!). A friend emailed the images to me in their pure, unpixelated form a few hours after it viralled up the internet (she’s also a journalist; one of the true privileges of working for the press is that you get to see a lot of uncensored celebrity dick pics, because uncensored is how the paparazzi send them to us). On opening it, I experienced a range of feelings. Immense gratitude that someone on the planet knows me so well, their fifirst instinct on seeing a photograph of a celebrity penis is to send it to me. Surprise, re: the general demeanour of this particular penis; I didn’t get that at all from seeing Orlando clothed, did you? Childlike delight that I had a bare naked man pic, all up on my phone, mixed with more grown-up lady delight that I had a bare naked man pic, all up on my phone. And last, and by no means least: concern about how best to respond to the image.
I’d barely had time to work it out, when the Justin Bieber D pics emerged, prompting media speculation about whether this marked an escalation in aggression between Bloom and Bieber, who don’t seem to like each other much; which prompted me to hope that, in the future, all famous people feuds will be fought via the medium of nudity. The nude feuds!
Then I found myself wondering again: WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY ABOUT ALL THE CELEBRITY PENISES?
A woman’s response to a celebrity D pic is as exposing a thing as the D pic itself. It hinges on one issue: yeah, but do you think it’s big, tho? Comment either way, and you reveal a lot about your personal history/frame of reference/ preferences on such things. This is why all the women I know have spent the last week performing conversational gymnastics, attempting to discuss Bieber and Bloom and their flesh appendages endlessly (because we’re all obsessed), yet also, cautiously; eternally hesitant, waiting for someone else to stick their neck out re: The Size. It is also why I decided I couldn’t refer to ‘Orlando’s Little Orlando’ in my opening paragraph, because even though I know you know ‘Little’ is a widely recognised knob euphemism, it also implies judgement and, as it happens, I think Orlando’s penis is definitely on the large side, and OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I SAID…?