COULD YOU ADMIT: ‘MY MAN WOULD BE HAPPIER WITH SOMEONE ELSE’?
NO says writer/director and author Nat Luurtsema
LAST WEEK, SARAH JESSICA PARKER made one of the bravest admissions for someone who is married – that she believes her husband is more suited to another woman. When she and husband Matthew Broderick met comedy actress Amy Sedaris, she could see that they ‘clicked’ and could imagine them being happy together. Because she’s a selfless angel… or a strategic genius. It was like a warning shot: ‘Don’t even think about running off with Sedaris, I know your thoughts before you do! Checkmate, pal.’ I like to think she and Matthew Broderick have a relationship like Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman in Die Hard. Unhealthy but so sexy.
I’ve seen my partner, Diarmuid, ‘click’ with new people. OK, so they’re all heterosexual Irishmen unlikely to tear off their cagoules and
dive into an odyssey of sexual discovery (so many zips, who can be bothered?) but even then I still felt left out. If he was clicking with beautiful women in front of my face, I’d probably go to the toilet, decide I had horrible eyebrows, try to fix them and come back looking like a startled egg.
I know I sound petty but I’m being honest. The only way I could be so zen about that happening in my relationship is if I had something terminal, was on strong painkillers and everyone knew I was encouraging Diarmuid to find someone else, so they’d all agree I’m amazing. Then maybe I could be happy with the idea of him with someone else. But that’s a lot of caveats and drugs.
Maybe it’s the difference between a 10-year relationship and a two-year one, or between a fictional writer who put the sex in the city and a real writer who steals sugar from Pret. I feel loved and secure, I’m not demanding Diarmuid tattoos PROPERTY OF NAT on his mouth, but imagining a life where he’s happy with someone else is just too cool for my passionate Hertfordshire temperament.
Plus, how weird to be Amy Sedaris right now. She knows that when she met the Parker-brods, they went home and discussed her. In flattering but slightly creepy terms. She’s probably thinking – ‘ Did we click? I must stop squeezing peoples’ hands when I first meet them…’ YES says journalist and broadcaster Emma Barnett
I DON’T FIND SARAH JESSICA PARKER’S
sentiments about her husband of 19 years being perfectly suited to another woman in another life odd at all. In fact, if anything it’s a sign of how strong their relationship is that she knows intimately what her man would crave and adore in another woman. And crucially, feels comfortable declaring it publicly.
I am nothing like my husband’s previous girlfriends. OK, there are some resemblances – blonde hair and decent melons – but after those, there’s not much left in the comparison can.
Most of his exes seem so sweet: so kind and so very, very quiet. Meanwhile, as a broadcaster, I talk and start rows for a living – never mind what I get up to in my private life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a total bitch, but wallflower small talk’s never been my thing. A decade on, I still remember meeting my husband’s school friends and clocking their ostensible shock at my sheer gobbiness. In fact, I still believe he could be very suited to life with one of those female pals – you know, if we hadn’t done that whole falling in love thing. She’s pretty, brainy, very considerate and loves talking about business and property nearly as much as he does.
I have told them both my theory – and they simply chuckle in their similarly mellow way. As does her wonderfully chilled boyfriend – with whom she’s been together for an age.
This is why I’m onboard with SJP. I quite regularly ask my husband, in all seriousness, why he’s with me. Not in a ‘please give me praise’ sort of way. More a gentle joshing and, sometimes, genuine curiosity. And then I duly recommend other women to him who would better match the soft temperament of those girls he grew up dating. He usually agrees, sagely nodding his head, before fixing a hard kiss on my cheek with a wicked glint in his eye.
In a recent interview, the great author Diana Athill, 98, wisely said the worse thing in love was possessiveness: ‘There are lots of people who think it’s indecent to not be possessive when you are married. I think it’s fatal. Don’t let your passion trap you into trying to own the person. The trick is to love them, not possess them.’
Quite. You can never tick another person’s every box. But if you’re lucky enough, you can comfortably tick enough of them to generously enjoy the notion of who could tick the remaining ones. Just the notion mind you… Emma presents BBC 5 Live’s morning programme, 5Live Daily, Wed-fri, 10am-1pm