School of thought
It’s a lively open-plan office and there are lots of extroverts around. I rarely get asked if I want a coffee or invited out to lunch. This brings back memories of school, when I often felt left out by other people and spent a lot of time by myself, which
eleanor says
This being-back-at-school feeling you talk about is a recurring theme in readers’ letters for this page. I think whenever we are thrust into a new situation and are surrounded by groups of people we don’t know, all already thriving in their own little tribes, we can be teleported back to the dizzying arenas of conflict that were our school playgrounds and lunch halls.
I recall a particularly stinging memory of first starting secondary school, sitting at the end of the bench in the dining hall with my massive blazer coming down over my hands, waiting for someone in the giggling group of girls near me to ask for a crisp from the bag I was eating. No one asked for a crisp. I think they were good crisps, too; Nik Naks, most likely.
Not everyone finds it easy to slot themselves into already established social settings, and offices ( particularly the open-plan kind) are not just where people do work – they’re full of different, established social orders. Really, they’re Playgrounds 2.0, where adults have to learn how to conduct themselves and make new friends all over again. My immediate advice is both to give yourself a bit of time ( you say you’ve only just started) but also not to wait for a sense of belonging to come to you.
I posit that the people not inviting you out to lunch or coffee have their own sense of awkwardness going on and seriously doubt it’s anything personal. Some people break out in metaphorical hives when they have to exit their comfort zone and, just as you’re finding things a bit tricky, your new colleagues may just be cosy in their existing friendship groups.
You’re going to have to stomach the first awkward moments of adding yourself to conversations at the kettle, but remember that this stuff is awkward for most of us. Listen and look for common ground. Offer to be the person who gets the coffees. Buy a bucket of mini chocolate swiss rolls from M&S. Be gently proactive and open to the possibility that people might be waiting for you to add your voice.