School of thought

our experts eleanor morgan and anjula mutanda answer your mental health questions

Q

‘ I’m in a catch-22. I really want to find a new job to escape a bullying senior colleague, but because of her I have lost all confidence, so the idea of going for interviews is overwhelming. I feel a fresh start would be ideal, but I’m trapped because now I feel inadequate after being told I am so often.’

eleanor says:

I’m sorry you’ve lost confidence. That’s a horrible way to feel, particularly given that it’s related to your job: a place you go and people you see every day. I imagine you have a knot in your stomach about going in sometimes. Clearly, this person’s behaviour has affected not just how you perceive yourself at work, but also your general levels of self-esteem.

I’ve been in your position. Outside of work hours I’d find myself going over and over dialogue I’d had with this person, questioning my decisions and thinking of ways I could make them see me differently. Unfortunately, somewhere down the line, they’d apparently made their mind up about me. I tried to ‘prove them wrong’ all the time. Still, the barbed emails, withheld opportunities and general air of annoyance continued. After I left the job I realised that, while the experience had made me fundamentally question my character, it couldn’t have all been about who I am.

At some point, this woman may have sensed either a level of vulnerability in you that she feels able to exploit to aid her own sense of confidence – that is generally what we think defines bullying – or you have done something that she felt was questioning her authority and worth. Most likely, something very innocuous; a comment, a misread email. But once that seed of, ‘ This person doesn’t respect me,’ is planted, it can grow pernicious leaves. This is about her sense of self and yours clashing somewhere in the ether. She is using her hierarchy because, somehow, she feels it’s justified. Exploiting a position of power to deliberately make someone feel inferior is never justified.

You are not ‘trapped’ by anything other than the way you perceive yourself and your ability. If you feel in your gut that a new start would be good for you, set the wheels in motion. Look around. Have this conversation with someone other than yourself. But please, before you leave, tell someone in HR how you have been feeling. Even if it’s after you’ve left, your colleague needs to know and, you hope, learn from it.

anjula says:

Bullies make personal attacks to feel better about themselves and for their target to feel inadequate. However, a study found that far from being poor at the job, workplace victims are often highly skilled, ethical, honest and well liked. In other words, she’s the one with the problem – not you!

If management are turning a blind eye, they’re unwittingly enabling the toxic behaviour to persist, making it unhealthy for you to stay. So, you need a psychological exit strategy. How? Shift your focus back to the job and away from her put-downs. This will depersonalise her toxic behaviour and stop you getting sucked into a negative spiral.

Then, take steps to build your confidence. Make a list of all your successes and strengths and focus your energies on skills you have. Surround yourself with friends, family, colleagues who can remind you of how great you are. Team up with a career coach or mentor who can help you practise selling yourself so that you shine at interviews and find a new workplace worthy of you.