Chart of lust

WHO we’re loving and living for this week

1 UP CUSH JUMBO Ineffably lovely in series two of The Good Fight (which we like, even though we never got into The Good Wife, from which TGF spun off ). Props also to co-star Sarah Steele.

2 DOWN LOUIS XIV Just been axed by the BBC, along with the rest of the cast of Versailles, deemed too raunchy to be tenable. Dangers of lust, people. We should know.

3. NEW IN THE QUEEN FT DAVID ATTENBOROUGH Who have a right twinkly dynamic, showcased last week when out-takes from a new doc were released.

4. NEW IN THIS WOMAN Named locally as ‘ The ASOS yellow bikini girl’. Appeared on the site last week, and the world went wild.

5. NON- MOVER DAVID TENNANT Inspector Tortured-Grumpster of Broadchurch fame, photographed last week on the set of Lena Dunham’s American remake of Julia Davis’s brilliant comedy Camping. Camping

6

NON- MOVER JÜRGEN KLOPP He, José and Pep Guardiola make up our football manager fantasy league. We honour JK here, for the perspex frame on his specs, and how delicious it is to say ‘Klopp’ (KLOPP!).

7. UP WORZEL GUMMIDGE We can’t describe our feelings for TV’S leading scarecrow as ‘lusty’ precisely – but they are definitely feelings, which we shall investigate further when Mackenzie Crook brings him back to our screens, soonish.

8 UP RACHEL MCADAMS Gave birth to a boy last week, following an ASCP*, as opposed to a PSCP*, of which there have been a few. *Actual/pretend Secret Celeb Pregnancy

9. NEW IN CALLUM STEPHEN PHEN FROM LLANIDLOES OES Contestant on The Big Painting Challenge, , whose aquiline nose and penchant for a tighter variety of T-shirt charmed the bejaysus out of viewers.

10. DOWN LIL MIQUELA The new, hot Instagram influencer; she’s got 912k followers – but no heartbeat. She’s a simulation. Her followers don’t care. The world is going to hell.