‘Letting go is hard when the father of your children is an addict’ …says 37-year-old Zoe*

I haven’t been with my husband for three years, and yet, I still run to him when he calls. He’s an alcoholic, so it’s not love I feel now, but a huge weight of responsibility. We have children together, we are the two parts of what make them whole. How can I turn my back on him?

I met Tim* 15 years ago and was attracted to him – much as it mortifies me to say now – because he was the life and soul of every party. We were five years into our marriage when I realised his behaviour was a problem. And when I found out I was pregnant with our second son, he spiralled even further. I watched from the upstairs bedroom – nine months pregnant – as his family took him to rehab. Sadly, it didn’t work and I finally found the courage to separate from him a year later.

Even though I now have a new partner, I still feel like I have to keep trying to help Tim when he calls. He’ll often ring when he’s on a bender, begging me to come, but it’s when he sends me abuse that I know he’s in a really bad way. Friends tell me to cut him off entirely, but how can I? It’s impossible not to care or feel responsible. This is a man I loved once and, more importantly, we have children together; whatever we do to ourselves, we do to them. As long as he is ill, my children are suffering. As long as he is too drunk to see them, they are sad. So, I will keep doing anything I can to help him, however traumatic it can be for me; and at times, it’s been immensely so. Someone once told me it’s very difficult for alcoholics to move on or get over things because instead of learning to process emotions like other people, they drink through it. But sometimes it feels like we’re all trapped with him.