KAIA GERBER
Sex bragging – especially in a long-term relationship – is the ultimate smuggery, right? Rebecca Reid looks at why we don’t like hearing that others are having it so good
‘This Twiggy-esque disco look is foolproof,’ says Lisa. ‘Use a cream blush and liquid highlighter to perfect your base, then take a silver cream eyeshadow all over the lids up to the socket and under the lash line. Use lots of mascara and add falsies to the lower lash line for that ’60s vibe.’
Gwyneth Paltrow is no stranger to controversy. She’s told us to steam our vaginas, suggested putting jade eggs where the sun doesn’t shine, and Goop even ran a guide to anal sex. Now, Gwynnie has made headlines once more by announcing how brilliant her sex life with Brad Falchuk really is. ‘ Women should have a great and satisfying sex life!’ she said last week. ‘It’s important for a woman’s overall health.’
I get where Gwyneth is coming from, really I do. I’ve never had better sex than I have now that I’m married. My husband and I know each other’s bodies, know how to make each other orgasm, and we’ve got the security to explore our fantasies together. And as a married 20-something with a great sex life, it’s tempting to shout from the rooftops about how well it’s all going. But that’s Smug Married Behaviour.
In the past, I’ve been just as guilty of the sex-boast as Gwyneth is. As someone who writes about her sex life for a living, I often find myself being asked for advice by friends. I admit, it’s tempting to airbrush my sex life a bit, to just talk about the amazing, crazy, experimental sex that my husband and I have, without mentioning any of the work it takes. The reality is, we work very hard at keeping things fresh. We schedule date nights, share porn that we enjoy and talk about what’s working and not working. We go away for weekends to focus on each other, invest in toys and outfits, and have been to workshops. A stellar sex life doesn’t just happen.
Women have an odd tendency to pretend that they don’t work for things. Whether at school, when you argue about who did the least revision, or as adults, when super-toned celebs claim their bodies are a result of ‘running around after kids’, we’re averse to admitting that things we like about our lives are a result of effort.
There’s nothing wrong with mentioning how much you love sex. It’s a big part of what we talk about. A study by Scarlett Ladies found that 80% of women are sex positive. But no one’s sex life is perfect. Given that women in heterosexual relationships have the lowest rate of orgasms out of any demographic, and that 49% of women (according to Public Health England) say they are unhappy with their sex lives, doesn’t that mean it’s important how we talk about it? The brags have to come with a side order of honesty about dry spells, arguments, or that time you did a fart trying a new position. You have to be self-aware: these things happen to all of us, no matter how hot it might be overall.
Painting a perfect picture of a long-term relationship might feel harmless, but it isn’t. We owe it to our friends to be honest, otherwise it makes everyone else in the conversation feel like they’re failing. And let’s face it, women already hear that enough times a day, without needing to hear it from their friends.