‘I’m neither a saint nor crazy. I’m just a foster mum’

As new film Instant Family lifts the lid on the often fraught process of fostering, Jodie, 39, who has taken in 10 children, shares her own experience

w hen i tell people I’m a foster carer, they look at me with bemusement. They say things like, ‘ Wow, I’d never be able to do that,’ and find it bizarre that I’d want to take someone else’s kids in. Others see it as amazing and treat me like a saint. I don’t see myself as either.

Fostering has always felt normal to me because my birth sister and I grew up with foster siblings. Our parents fostered children of all ages, from newborns to teenage mums with their babies, some staying one night and others staying years. My sister and I loved it – I still treasure photos of us sitting on the sofa together, all wearing the same pyjamas – and we’re still in touch years later. My parents did a really good job of ensuring our foster siblings felt part of the family, and not ‘different’ in any way to my sister or me.

My husband David and I have a 17-yearold son, and we waited until he was seven before discussing the idea of fostering ourselves; we wanted him to have a say, and to understand the process. I think it helped that he’d grown up with ‘cousins’ – children my parents fostered – so he felt really comfortable and excited by the idea. Still, we made sure he knew that he could talk to us about his feelings – we worried that the reality of being an only child who suddenly has to share your parents could prove tricky.

We’ve now fostered 10 children, and each has been very different. Our first, a girl of seven, really threw us in at the deep end. When we got the call to say she was coming, we weren’t sure what to expect. We imagined she’d be quiet and nervous – a lot of foster children have sadly suffered trauma – but she was the complete opposite. Our front door opened and as I held my arms out for a hug, she burst in, pushing past us. ‘I’m home!’ she shouted, racing up the stairs to find her bedroom. Minutes later, she was slamming kitchen cupboards, demanding food. When we sat down for tea and introduced her to our son properly, she threw a fish finger at his head. None of us knew what to do, but luckily my son saw the funny side. We quickly learned to expect the unexpected; and that children usually misbehave when they’re upset or unsure about a situation.

Sometimes children arrive and don’t want to join in – they’ll push against your rules, telling you they hate your food, their bedroom, or the clothes you’ve bought. I’ve been told, ‘ You’re not my mum!’ too many times to count. It’s usually a test: they’ll push you to see how you react and whether you reject them. You need plenty of patience, and have to remain consistent, letting them know you’re not going anywhere.

It’s important that children feel like they really ‘ belong’, too – we always try to make sure any child staying with us feels part of the family. For weeks, one child would stand in the doorway of the living room while we watched TV. Every night, we’d encourage him to sit down, but he wouldn’t. The night he did – putting his feet up on the sofa with the rest of us – was such a turning point. Outwardly, we didn’t make a big deal out of it, but inside, I was ecstatic.

Those placements lasted a few weeks, but the child we have staying with us now, a boy of 10, has been with us for eight years. He has autism and ADHD, which can make life challenging. He calls us ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, although he knows we aren’t his birth parents. Instead, we have what’s called ‘long-term permanency’, which means legal adoption isn’t possible, but we’re his ‘forever family’. Luckily, I’ve received training from our foster agency, along with the details of other fostering families for support. But while the agency aims to give you as much preparation and information as possible, sometimes

emergencies happen and you’ll be asked to help out with short-term placements while a permanent home is found. I’ve had calls saying, ‘Can you have this child?’ and an hour later, they’ll arrive.

In most cases, though, children are carefully matched to a family – some children can’t be around other children or pets, for example – and you’ll have a chance to work out whether you’d be a good match for each other. Sometimes the child visits beforehand to meet everybody. Most children are sent a copy of our ‘family book’ – a child-friendly picture book – with images of our house and lives, and information about us. It gives them a chance to familiarise themselves with their new home, and means the situation is slightly less overwhelming.

But nothing can prepare you for when a child leaves – it’s always hugely emotional for everybody. We had one child who joined us as a baby and stayed for two years. When she left us to be adopted we were all delighted, but saying goodbye was incredibly hard. Happily, we’ve been able to stay in touch and still see her regularly.

Ideally, you’d keep all of the children you foster but, realistically, it’s just not possible – and that’s not what being a foster carer is all about. For me, knowing I’ve played a part in helping a child heal, and allowing them to build a bond with their future family is incredible. That’s why I do it. For more information on fostering with Fosterplus, call 0800 369 8512 or visit fosterplus.co.uk

I’ve been told ‘ You’re not my mum! ’ too many times to count