Chart of lust

WHO we’re loving and living for this week

1 UP NATASHA LYONNE

For Russian Doll, Netflix. We’ve done her before, for exactly this reason, but at that juncture, we hadn’t watched the full series. Now we have: we have no choice but to do her again.

2. NEW IN LIZZO

Rising rapper super star, who just released the artwork for the cover of her forthcoming album, and she is nekkid.

3. UP ERIC BANA

Terrifying in Dirty John, the TV adaptation of the podcast investigation of a true crime – but hot, and he’s only acting, so our lust is OK (we think).*

4. NON- MOVER LAURA KUENSSBERG’S COATS

A new conspiracy theory posits she’s communicating subliminal Brexit-related messages through them, while appearing on the news. Seems credible.

5 ROBERT UP SHEEHAN

Formerly the one who couldn’t die on Misfits, now, a louche drugaddicted superhero with a penchant for eyeliner in The Umbrella Academy. Still very fine.

6 UP DUKAGJIN LIPA

Father of Dua, breakout star of last week’s BRITS. Clooney meets Bond with strong undercurrents of Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights. We’d make a DILF ref, but we’re not sure it’s allowed.

7. UP DAN EGAN

The trailer for the final series of Veep hits – Julia Louis-Dreyfus steals it but we’re trying not to be predictable. Also, we massively fancy evil Dan. Always have. Always have.

8 NON- MOVER MAYA JAMA

In a liquid gold off-the-shoulder minidress, at an event last week, because someone’s gotta, and it should probably be her.

9. UP SHAWN MENDES

For Calvin Klein. If we understood correct usage of internet terminology ‘thirsting’, we’d joke about it, but honestly? We don’t. And we’re glad.

10. DOWN P DIDDY’S WAX EFFIGY

Rudely beheaded last week while on display at the Manhattan outpost of Madame Tussauds. The statue’s beheader is still at large.