Can I tell my mother-in-law that her visit to help with my newborn isn’t actually helping?

Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka

My friend had just waded through the quagmire of that first newborn month, when her mother-in-law arrived with grandparental jazz hands and a Winnie The Pooh balloon – the gift all new mothers hope for. It was lovely that she was excited. Less lovely was the fact that she had turned up as a surprise, when my friend was navigating one mastitis-addled boob. Then she jiggled my friend’s belly and said, ‘Now we just need to get rid of this by summer!’

However well-meaning the advice from our elders, it’s not always welcome. What worked in 1964 (‘Just pop a thimble of whisky in her bottle!’) may not pass through social services in 2019.

And then there’s the tea-making – the white noise of ‘Who wants a cuppa?’ followed by ‘Where are the teaspoons?’ and ‘Do you want your funny [plant-based] milk?’ Then a brew lands and, like the ungrateful, miserly woman that I am, my heart sinks at its greige hue.

It’s OK to say, ‘I need space.’ It’s OK to suggest an amazing museum she could visit, if it’s a Code Yellow situation. It’s OK to ask her to go home if it hits Code Red – or to ask your partner to deliver the message. You’ve taken on Mother Nature’s biggest task; this isn’t a time for pleasantries because sitting in a postnatal fug with leaking mammaries isn’t exactly pleasant. For further reading, Toxic In-laws

by Susan Forward is a banger. Anna runs the Flex Appeal campaign for flexible working