‘My baby being born was the worst time of My life’

I was the happiest I’d ever been when pregnant. But I knew something was really wrong with me the instant my son was born, despite never experiencing any kind of mental illness before. It’s not easy to admit that the worst time of your life was when your baby was born. I kept telling friends, family and midwives I felt strange; that I was experiencing terror, dread and doom. They told me it was ‘normal’. But soon I became manic, delusional and paranoid. For weeks I was undiagnosed. I was locked inside a prison in my head – I couldn’t trust anyone with my fears in case they took my son from me. I was a walking zombie. I began to hear voices and became suicidal. I’d lie in bed begging Mum to let me go. I’d fallen out of love with my life. In the end, my family staged an intervention and I was hospitalised for two weeks. With support, medication, psychotherapy and talking I’ve managed to make a full recovery – but it’s taken a good year to feel like myself again. Part of me feels like I’ll be in recovery for the rest of my life – I’ve been somewhere I can’t un-see. The illness itself is short-lived, but the shipwreck it leaves your life in isn’t. It’s been tough for my partner, too. In my psychosis I accused him of trying to kidnap our baby. But now we are better than ever and stronger too. I used to be so angry that I got unwell when I had a baby, but now I’m grateful; my son gets me out of bed every day. He’s healed me. Postpartum psychosis is treatable, and at last we’re starting to talk about it – thanks in part to my best friend, Adele, who got the topic on the public’s radar when she raised awareness of my experiences last year. I’m glad Louis Theroux is throwing light on it, too. We’re warned constantly about what childbirth does to your body, but no one warns what it can do to your head. By speaking about postpartum psychosis we can tackle the stigma. Call Pandas on 0843 28 98 401 with any maternal mental health concerns