Chart of lust

Who we,re loving and living for this week...

1. Up NACHO FIGUERAS

About whom we’d sort of forgotten, until he was named last week as one of the world’s most eligible polo players, and so our lust nodules were happily reacquainted with his work.

6. Up ELTON JOHN

The Rocketman posters are filling us with a desire to dress like him, circa ‘75, and also put Tiny Dancer on repeat.

7. New in GAD ELMALEH

From Huge (In France) on Netflix, a comedy based on the comedian’s real-life attempts to recreate the super-stardom he’s achieved in France in the US.

2. Non-mover JULIA LOUISDREYFUS

Because Veep (Sky) somehow manages to keep making hilarious satire from preposterous real-life US politics. Also, if America were the Ukraine, J L-D would be looking good for the first female President.

8. New in KATY PERRY DRESSING HERSELF AS A BURGER

In the loos of the Met gala, when Jennifer Lopez walked in (google the resulting video, why don’t you). Like that thing where people say, ‘Celebs, they’re just like us!’ – only the opposite.

3. Up RICHARD MADDEN

For whom we had a soft spot long before Bodyguard. Last week, wore a black suit and what we can only assume is a Significant Brooch to the Met Gala.

4. Down JANELLE MONÁE

Supposed to be headlining Woodstock 2019 – the 50th anniversary celebration of the original – but the festival’s future is looking uncertain, due to a significant lack of funds.

9. Up BILLIE EILISH

The singer is scared of Eminem, according to a recent interview. ‘Terrified!’ in fact. We suspect he’s a pussy cat under all that posturing, Billie.

5. New in LOYLE CARNER

New album Not Waving But Drowning is terribly good, favourite stage outfit = an I ♥ Michelle Obama T-shirt. V easy on the eye.

10. New in VIT