Cripplingly shy?
There’s an upside to that
WHAT DOES IT MEAN to be shy? Many people who you would never think of as shrinking violets identify as ‘shy’. Nigella Lawson has said that she was shy and withdrawn as a child. Hollywood stars Jessica Chastain, Britney Spears, Keira Knightley, Nicole Kidman and Courteney Cox have all spoken of being shy or introverted. Johnny Depp has said, ‘I’m f***ing shy, man… I don’t like to be in social situations.’ This seems pretty extraordinary for someone whose life was described at one point as being ‘somewhere between party hard and hellfire’.
And yet now a new British survey suggests that almost one in two of us (47%) think of ourselves as ‘shy’. This figure comes from an online survey of 3,450 adults conducted by Yougov, in which 10% identified as ‘very shy’. I am surprised they were feeling brave enough to respond to the survey. Thank goodness it was online. Among young people aged 16-24, the figures were 49% and 17% respectively. In this young group, people were even more likely to see themselves as ‘outsiders’: a whopping 43% of men and 40% of women identified with that description.
There’s something about all this that doesn’t quite add up. I am constantly meeting people who say they are introverted or that they have social anxiety. But they talk very openly and articulately about their vulnerability and don’t seem to mind talking fairly animatedly to a complete stranger about how much they hate talking to complete strangers. Sometimes I wonder if the unrealness of social media has made us all into competitive introverts. It’s not cool to admit that you are an extrovert or that you enjoy the attention of others.
That is ‘basic’ and cringeworthy.
No, it is much more socially acceptable these days to be modest and unassuming. Instagram posts that talk honestly about how much you hate going out – and that you prefer hiding under your duvet – tend to get far more likes than a post about getting wasted with some Hell’s Angels you met in a bar. (Although maybe I need to do this as an actual scientific experiment, to be sure.)
The trouble is, I don’t think any of us is either purely ‘shy’ or ‘loud’ – or indeed any one thing. We all have moments when we feel shy and moments when we feel a bit braver. It depends who we’re with, how stressed we are, what day of the week it is, how many carbs we’ve eaten. Shyness is a normal part of the human condition. Beware those who never feel shy.
Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking, has written about the evolutionary benefits of being shy: introverts are likely to have more empathy, they end up in hospital less often, they’re less likely to cause car accidents. Probably because they’re not hanging out with Hell’s Angels.
Cain’s theory is that now we finally appreciate those who feel shy and don’t easily assert themselves – in previous generations they were ridiculed, even vilifed. But these days we accept that our environment is far too noisy, literally and digitally. In many areas of life the show-offs have taken over. But there are so many of them and they’re all shouting over each other.
Suddenly it’s the quiet ones who are the alphas. In a world where we are all fighting to be heard, we need to channel our shy side. Viv Groskop is author of ‘How To Own The Room: Women And The Art Of Brilliant Speaking’ (£12.99, Transworld) and hosts a podcast of the same name