Will the burden on women finally be recognised?
As the coronavirus crisis forces us to reshape our lives, Emma Rowley argues that one silver lining might be that women’s ‘unseen load’ has become increasingly visible – and acknowledged
when hannah*, who works in publishing, told her husband that childcare for their two children had fallen apart, his immediate response wasn’t what she’d hoped for. ‘He is quite a modern man,’ says Hannah, 40, ‘but his reaction was, “But what are you going do about work?” I said, “What am I going to do? What are we going to do!”’
This type of conversation has been repeated up and down the country, as Covid-19 has ripped apart the delicate arrangements families have in place to balance earning a living with caring for children. Once schools and nurseries closed, with many grandparents and other carers having to distance themselves from children, the often-unseen support systems that keep households – and society – running were suddenly visible by their absence. And yet, many women say it is falling on them as their problem to solve.
Kate*, 38, is a trainee psychologist while her husband has his own business. Both are now working from home with their children, aged four and seven. ‘We’re trying to split the childcare and work, but the reality is that he earns more, so it is more important that he gets to do his things. Dinner has been falling to me, and the food ordering. He is thoughtful, but he actually said, “We can’t go out for Mother’s Day now, have you got enough food in so I can make something for you?”’
Likewise, she says it is mothers who are now expected to meet their children’s educational needs. ‘The school’s class reps are updating Whatsapp groups for parents – but these are overwhelmingly women.’
Sarah*, 37, an HR professional, this month ended her maternity leave sooner than planned, concerned that ‘businesses are going to be making tough decisions’. Her childcare arrangements so far remain in place, while she and her husband have started working from home. ‘I’ve just had
a big row with him,’ she says. ‘I told him he is delusional if he thinks we can both home-work [to our usual capacity], even if we have got a nanny, with a three-year-old and a new baby.’ But, she expects, ‘It’s that thing of, “Oh, the baby’s crying.” It will be the mother who goes – even if she’s on a conference call.’
Indeed, Mumsnet founder Justine Roberts tells Grazia their past surveys have showed that 82% of working mums are already responsible for arranging childcare and 63% do more tidying up. ‘So there is a danger that if both parents – and all children – are at home, these jobs will be more demanding and will fall to the mother rather than the father.’
Employer expectations are also at play. Louise* is a political reporter whose husband works in industry, now at home with him and their two children, aged three and one, after their nursery closed. ‘Both of us are facing an incredibly busy period in our jobs. Having talked about it, he is very much, “This is 50/50,” but I think it’s harder for the man to make that case at work by saying, “I don’t think you quite understand, my children are very young and require me to spend several hours a day with them.”’
If the situation becomes impossible, women – already more likely to be working part-time – may come under pressure to further cut their hours. Claire, 38, is now doing her three-days-a-week finance role from home. Her husband, who works full-time in HR, is also at home, as is their toddler daughter, after their childminder closed. She says, ‘If we can’t make a go of it, realistically it will probably be me who takes a sabbatical. I’ve already paused my career – but this will be mothballing it even more.’
There are no easy answers. Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at relationship support group Relate, acknowledges, ‘These extraordinary circumstances are likely to mean big changes for your daily routines. It’s important not to make any assumptions about who will do what. Sit down and have a conversation together about how you are going to navigate things. Talk about your priorities and try to really listen to each other.’
A non-traditional family set-up offers different challenges. Genevieve Roberts, 41, author of Going Solo, has just seen her children’s nursery close. ‘Being a solo mum is always a juggle, but without childcare for my two-year-old daughter and 11-monthold son, I think there are going to be a lot of evenings where I’m making up the time in which I just couldn’t work in the day.’ But she adds, ‘My work has always been flexible – which I’m hugely grateful for.’
However, many cannot stay at home. ‘The people who are able to work are expected to be here,’ says Carmen*, 45, a clinical psychologist still working at a hospital. But she is worried about what happens if her nanny gets sick. Charlotte*, 38, a respiratory doctor, was until recently looking after suspected coronavirus patients, before being moved off frontline duties because she’s pregnant. She and her husband, also an NHS doctor, rely on their small daughter’s childminder. A family member, who also helps out, recently had to cancel as she had tested positive for the virus. ‘If the childminder closes then I might have to start maternity leave early,’ she says. ‘I feel very guilty, though, because I know my colleagues are really stretched.’
If there will be any silver lining to all this, perhaps it will be a fuller recognition of the burden women shoulder. Already, the Government’s move to keep schools open to care for children of key workers is an acknowledgement that childcare is essential work. ‘Women disproportionately take on care duties, whether that’s paid or unpaid, either as mothers or as low-paid carers,’ says Sophie Walker, chief executive of the Young Women’s Trust. ‘What we now have is a situation where the Government is acknowledging the actual importance of frontline care workers. I hope that means we are on our way to understanding, at both a Government level and on a broader level, the importance of those who care.’
Perhaps, too, we’ll be able to stop pretending our personal and professional lives can be separated – if Genevieve’s experience is anything to go by. ‘I’ve sat my son on my knee for a video call and he was the smiliest person on it – he seemed to improve everyone’s mood,’ she says. ‘I think people do understand, and often like seeing that other side of a person, too.’