Polly Vernon has her say

PROPS TO US AS a race, for our incredibly speedy rates of adaption. I mean, I knew we were good. I just didn’t realise we were quite this good.

I speak in this instance of how All This is inspiring us to rapidly reinvent our love lives – evolve new etiquette, branch out into daring new relationship territories, survive the ignominy of a billion new flavours of romantic humiliation – with special reference to the men I know who are not in stable relationships (thanks for the content, you guys! I’d be nothing without you!).

Let us begin with my man friend A, who just got dumped by self-isolation. ‘It’s the new ghosting,’ he tells me, in-between crying on Whatsapp. I send him the hug emoji – it’s my favourite: so sinister-needy-creepy – then ask when he realised his ex was not merely social-distancing him, but rather, actively dumping.

‘When she referred to Facetiming me as “a bit of a risk”,’ he said.

Man friend B meanwhile just got really serious with a chick he’s been holding at arm’s length for the last 18 months. I know because he posted a ‘self-isolating with this one’ Story on Insta.

I DM him: ‘Ah, look at you! So cute with your corona girlfriend!’

‘No! What? I really like her! Shut up!’ he replies.

‘Do you, now?’ I DM back. ‘This being the same girl you referred to as ‘Sandra Stop Gap’ just before Christmas 2018, with whom you still refused to be exclusive when she proposed forsaking all others (on Hinge) on Valentine’s Day 2019, but who now seems like she offers certainty, comfort, blind devotion and a lockdown buddy in these utterly batshit times?’

‘IT TOOK TIME FOR MY FEELINGS TO GROW!’ he replies.

‘You two should get corona engaged! You’re corona made for each other!’ I say.

He blocks me, but that’s fine because man friend C has just sent me a screengrab of a message he’d received from a long-forgotten Tinder hook-up, asking what his ‘plans for lockdown’ are.

‘As in: “Wanna lockdown and see out this epic crisis together, bloke I barely know (if you don’t count that time we had forgettable sex at some point in June 2019, and I don’t see that we can)”?’ I reply.

‘Yup’, says man friend C.

‘You gonna go for it?’ ‘Probably.’

And my lady friend X has ended an extra-marital affair with a man with whom she only recently swore she was ‘terminally obsessed’ – because he wouldn’t stop texting her conspiracy theories about China inventing the virus to distract from the nefarious intent of 5G. ‘A guy cheating on his missus is one thing,’ she tells me. ‘A guy who thinks there’s a “them”, a “they” and some kind of “plot”? Nah, mate. Nah.’

Then R calls. ‘I’ve got a corona crush! Met him on my online neighbourhood volunteer group. Now I put lipstick on every time we Zoom.’ Tune in for further developments in our corona love lives as they happen.