Master Grazia’s life skills

Gemma Cribb is a sex therapist and psychotherapist and the author of Great Sexpectations (£9.99, Trigger Publishing)

What many women get wrong is that they believe the quality of their sex life depends on the skill of their partner. At the same time many women do not know how to turn themselves on and get themselves off. In other words, taking responsibility for your own sexual pleasure, learning what works for you, staying connected to your body during sex and being willing to kindly express what you would like.

Sex is often a ‘head game’ when it should be the domain of the body. The types of thoughts that get us caught up in our heads during sex can be divided into distraction, time travelling, spectatoring and self-criticism. Rather than focus on them, thank your mind for them and let them go. Then, bring your attention back to the sensations of your body and what it is telling you.

Open your eyes and make eye contact. Focus on your breath, or the sensation of touch, and staying in frequent verbal communication with your sexual partner.

You can achieve a state of ‘flow’ with a partner by intensely focusing on the person you are touching, where you are touching and how. In essence, flow is characterised by absorption in what we are doing, a merging of action and awareness, and a loss of reflective self-consciousness. People in flow will report awareness of things such as the warmth of their partner’s skin, and feeling as if their partner’s body is willing them to do certain things.

Finally, be brave. Lots of people fear embarrassment or rejection but communicating your desires will help you have the sex you really want.