The Great British sex drought

Whether we’re single or partnered, the times we’re living in are taking their toll in the bedroom. Lynn Enright investigates the nationwide dry spell

‘i just feel like nothing is sexy any more,’ a friend said recently when I asked him how he was. As we stomped around our neighbourhood, wearing mittens, woolly hats and jogging bottoms, I was inclined to agree. The sexier elements of life – hotel rooms, reasons to dress up, expensive cocktails served in plush surroundings – have been missing in action for some time now. Whether you are single, casually dating, in a monogamous couple or other arrangement, it’s likely that your sex life has been affected by Covid-19.

Last March, when the first lockdown was announced, it was rather sweetly suggested that all that time stuck at home might lead to a baby boom – but, unsurprisingly, it turns out that the pandemic has not acted as an aphrodisiac. In fact, in some European countries, there has been a decline in the birth rate, with prospective parents seemingly put off by the looming recession. At The Kinsey Institute, a team are conducting a long-term study into how the pandemic is affecting people’s sex lives – and the early data doesn’t look good. All types of sexual activity, including masturbation, were down during spring 2020, and 43.5% of people have reported a decline in the quality of their sex life. Meanwhile, the Natsal Covid-19 study, which surveyed 6,500 people across Britain about their sex life post-lockdown, has found that while some people have reported an increase in sex, more people have reported a decrease.

Single people have been most obviously affected by the pandemic and the ensuing restrictions, with lockdowns pretty much ruling out sex with new partners. Of course, there are people bending or breaking the rules: one woman tells me that she and a sexual partner quarantined separately and both of them had a private Covid test before meeting up for a night of sex. Indeed, Dr Karen Gurney, a psychosexologist and author of Mind The Gap: The Truth About Desire And How To Futureproof Your Sex Life, points out that ‘there are plenty of people continuing to have sex with casual partners despite the lockdown rules and I think it’s really important we don’t cast too much judgement’. However, those abiding by the rules are experiencing a ‘real deficit’, she says.

Elizabeth*, 37, hasn’t had sex since before the first lockdown, almost a year ago. She did some casual dating when things opened up during last summer, but didn’t meet anyone with whom she wanted to have sex. ‘I really miss physical contact and intimacy,’ she says. ‘I think about that every day: being hugged, sleeping alongside someone, the feeling of being cared about. I really miss being desired.’ The absence of sex has impacted her confidence, she says. ‘It’s hard to imagine other people seeing me in a sexual way or thinking I’m attractive now.’

While couples who live together can have as much sex as they want without worrying about breaking the lockdown rules, many are reporting a decline. Dr Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want, says, ‘One of the biggest things that we’ve seen in our study is that levels of stress and loneliness have been elevated for quite some time now, and these factors have a tendency to put a damper on libido.’

Relate counsellor and sex therapist Peter Saddington tells me that, among the people he is currently treating, depression is the most common cause of low libido – ‘and this is proving even more noticeable during

the third lockdown’. Night after night, we are finding ourselves in what Dr Gurney calls ‘an unsexy no-man’s-land of nothingness’. Added to this is the fact that the pandemic is affecting each of us differently: some of us are busier than we have ever been, working on the frontline, while others are furloughed or newly unemployed or taking on the homeschooling responsibilities, leading to tensions within relationships.

The cessation of non-urgent NHS services has also impinged on people’s sex lives. When 29-year-old Sarah Rose’s physical therapy was cancelled, it left her unable to have penetrative sex. ‘I developed vaginismus as a result of endometriosis and I have been in and out of pelvic-floor physiotherapy over the years,’ she explains. ‘It was very frustrating because I got married just before lockdown but I couldn’t have sex and I couldn’t get access to the help I needed to work through it.’ Other women have told me about not being able to access contraception. ‘I need to have my coil replaced, but the sexual health nurses have been seconded to administer the vaccine, so there’s a five-month waiting list,’ says one 35-year-old. ‘I am anxious about getting pregnant and using condoms again.’

For those seeking to kick-start their sex lives, kindness is key, says Dr Gurney. ‘It’s really important to let yourself off the hook and know that it’s not something to worry about: your relationship will survive and it is likely to go back to how it was before,’ she says. ‘But if you do want to have more sex, you should recognise that desire in longterm relationships is not going to be spontaneous. Together, you might decide to have one night a week or one night a month when you won’t watch Netflix and instead you spend time being physically intimate and not worrying about where it leads. Desire is unlikely to emerge without a trigger.’

Dr Gurney acknowledges that it’s difficult to replicate intimacy if you’re single, but says that there are options beyond ‘plain masturbation’. ‘Some people enjoy meeting people online for sex,’ she says. ‘But if that’s not your thing, others are using audio erotica apps, like Dipsea, which has a feature where you can ‘sleep over’ with your favourite characters. You will hear the character go to sleep alongside you – it’s tech meeting the need for that intimacy.’

Peter Saddington suggests increasing the amount of exercise we’re doing, too. ‘The body produces feelgood hormones that make us feel happier.’ Dr Gurney says that ‘there are going to be some explosive connections with some real power’ when single people feel it is safe to date again. Dr Lehmiller even believes that we might experience that spike in the birth rate, after all. ‘As sexual behaviour rebounds and the economy gets on a more solid footing, it’s possible that we’ll see a post-coronavirus baby boom,’ he says.

‘WE ARE IN AN UNSEXY NO-MAN’SLAND OF NOTHINGNESS’