Master Grazia’s life skills

From Breakup Bootcamp by Amy Chan (Ebury, out now)

Recovering from a break-up can be one of the most painful things you go through, but these steps can make it that bit easier and help turn heartache into a chance to rewire destructive, subconscious patterns and beliefs.

When a relationship ends you often go through shock, but understand that healing isn’t linear. Don’t judge your emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It adds an extra layer of shame and causes you to stay in a certain phase longer than you actually need to.

First, don’t vilify your ex. If you start blaming and psychoanalysing them, hoping for them to change, you’re still in a relationship with that person on some level. Sometimes, people hold on to the pain in an attempt to hold on to the relationship, but that puts you in the role of being the victim, which is disempowering.

Second, don’t feed your emotional monster. It’s OK to feel emotions and process them, but feeding them is when you play songs on repeat that the two of you used to enjoy together, or you watch a film like Love Actually.

Identify what didn’t go to plan and think about how this might open up another door for you in the future. Imagine yourself five years from now, looking back and realising that this break-up is the reason something else was able to happen. You’re playing with possibility, so fast-forward to future you and connect the dots.

Perhaps hardest of all, but vital, is don’t stalk their social media. It won’t make you happy. You could get your closest friends together on Zoom and record them telling you what they love about you and what they want to see in your future. When you’re feeling lonely, watch that video again. It will remind you you’re loved and the fact it didn’t work out with this one person doesn’t mean you’re not amazing.

Lastly, focus on how you will get back up, know the pain will eventually subside and remember, a break up isn’t a slight on your self-worth.