Chart of lust

1. Up LIL NAS X

Whose new video depicts him sliding down a pole, from heaven to hell, and lapdancing Satan in thigh-high stiletto boots: now the lead option for our re-mergence-fit.

2. New in JONICA T GIBBS

Star of Lena Waithe’s Twenties (iplayer), openly gay hotness incarnate, a Shane from The L Word for the new decade.

3. New in PARK SHIN-HYE

Turns out, we’re totally into South Korean sci-fi as a TV genre, who knew! Currently deeply digging the vibe of this woman, who stars in Netflix Original

Sisyphus.

4. Up YUNGBLUD

Rumours he was dating Miley have been quickly replaced with rumours he’s dating Jesse Jo Stark (of Bella Hadid friendship fame)… We’re enjoying the rapidly evolving nature of this!

5. Non-mover MAYA JAMA

Newly confirmed as a regular on Celebrity Juice, which delights her because – she says – she wanted to be Keith Lemon as a teenager. You’re a step closer to that ultimate end goal!

6. Up JOAN COLLINS & JANE SEYMOUR

Posed together in faded denim, red and white scarves and wide-brimmed hats, thereby creating a visual we’d Pinterest under Epic Summer Style, if we were Pinterest inclined (we’re not).

7. Down OUR HOPES OF MARRYING POLDARK

His actual girlfriend, actor Caitlin Fitzgerald, appears to have got there first, if rumours of their secret three-day ceremony in Italy prove correct. Hey ho.

8. Up RACHEL BILSON

Revealed Rami Malik DM’D her a request to take down (de-post?) a ‘dorky’ Insta of the two of them from high school. She complied, for his privacy. They starred in The Crucible together! (All about the details, innit.)

9. New in RICHARD MADDEN, PLASTERED

The artist formerly known as The King in the North (GOT) and for Bodyguard gets his mould done for a part in forthcoming Amazon thriller Citadel. We’d take him with or without the coating, tbh.

10. New in ALICE CHEUNG

Internet sensation restaurateur specialising in scathing replies to daft reviews left on Just Eat, eg, ‘What sort of idiot orders “Salt & Pepper chicken” then complains it has salt in it?’