Emily Ratajkowski: ‘Revisiting those experiences was painful but cathartic’
As the model-and-actor-turned-author hits The New York Times’ best-seller list, she talks to Grazia’s Kenya Hunt
EVEN NOW, with the 24-hour attention economy whirring on a constant loop, it’s hard to really get to know someone beyond the curated parts of ourselves that make it on to a social media scroll. We see more of each other than ever before – you feel compelled to have a take and share it, or film a Reels and share that. And with our attention pulled every which way, do we even know ourselves?
Much has been made of the fact that Emily Ratajkowski, a woman who is very famous for being very beautiful and very famous, has taken control of her own story with her compelling new book, My Body, which reflects on her decade-plus career in which her ubiquitous image, and to a certain extent her very persona, were shaped and monetised by men, often using social media. But it’s the glimpse the collection of essays provides into her inner life that stands out most.
Authors have long described the act of writing memoir as the experience of looking into a mirror. But to hear Emily, 30, talk about it, it’s more like an image that slowly comes into focus, with the soft, distorted, pixelated secret parts taking shape and form with each chapter completed. Reading the essays, you get the sense that you’re watching a woman getting to know her inner self.
‘The process of writing is cathartic, because I was looking at a lot of memories that I had a lot of confusion and shame around,’ she says over Zoom from her office in New York. She looks relaxed and at ease in a neon turtleneck (the very same outfit I’ll later see her wearing in a paparazzi photo online next morning). Right now, she’s the opposite of the otherworldly bombshell I saw on the Versace runway in Milan a month before. The internet famously regards her as intimidatingly
beautiful, but on Zoom she’s incredibly warm and likeable. She seems to be as interested in getting to know me as I am in getting to know her.
Her writing unpacks a range of encounters with a series of predatory, often powerful men, from her alleged sexual assault by the photographer Jonathan Leder (which he strongly denies) to her attempts to buy back her Instagram post from the iconic artist Richard Prince, who had turned it into a painting. ‘Once I broke through the hesitation to revisit those experiences, it was actually very cathartic, as painful as it initially was. Once you get the rough draft down, there’s this process of perspective. And it is constantly changing. And then, through the editing, you gain even more perspective, having other people read it and then eventually publishing it. You continue to see all these reflectors.’
With her book having reached The New York Times’ best-seller list, the number of readers sharing their own takes on her experiences has grown exponentially. ‘I’m sharing these really personal things and it’s definitely weird to look at the Amazon reviews and watch people dissect my early relationships, my relationship with my parents, and who I am as a person. I was nervous about the publishing part of it because I had such an amazing private experience of writing, an experience that felt so safe and sacred that, after putting it out into the world, I was like, “Is this going to ruin writing for me forever?” Because I’ll never be able to have that experience of just writing for myself again. But at this exact moment, I actually feel really great about the perspective I’ve gained now that it’s out.’
She says the response from other women has been most gratifying. Emily is, after all, ‘the poster child for choice feminism’, as she described herself to The New Yorker this year. And the book is as much a commentary on what The New York Times called ‘pop feminism’ as it is about power and desirability. This is a woman who became famous for playfully dancing topless alongside three fully-clothed male pop stars in Robin Thicke’s video for Blurred Lines, which she once described as an empowering act but we later learn in her book was a traumatic experience, with Thicke allegedly groping and sexually harassing her – a memory she had suppressed (Thicke has not responded to the allegations).
‘I obviously am aware of what I represent in the world. But I wanted women to realise how universal the experience of being a woman could be. And I’m seeing that happen: people saying, “This little thing that she mentions is exactly like what I experienced at this age,”’ she explains.
She says she’s been struck by the wave of conversation her book has inspired about the treatment of models. ‘I have noticed since writing this book, way before it was published in early drafts, how much my relationship to modelling has evolved. When people think of modelling, they think of the Versace runway, and they think of supermodels and they don’t think about the women who are just working day to day; this is their hustle. And people don’t think about the culture that is around that. And that’s the majority of the industry – these unknown, very young women. And I think that the culture with the agencies in particular is the thing that I would like to immediately see change. They teach these young women to be as agreeable as possible, to not really have an opinion about what they want to do or, you know, what they feel comfortable with. It’s more about, “Are you the most game or not?” And if you are, then you might succeed a little bit more. And I think that right there is just so toxic and needs to change.’
During our chat Emily speaks about the fact that she’s in a different position now from her Blurred Lines days. She’s a mother (to Sylvester, born in March; she married actor and producer Sebastian Bear-mcclard in 2018), a businesswoman, and an author with power, wealth and 28 million followers at her fingertips. But she says it took her writing My Body to find a sense of closure.
‘Like I say in the book: as a woman in the world (not just a model, but a woman) I am much more comfortable saying no and making people feel uncomfortable. I now say, “No, I want that.” Or, “I don’t want that.” Just asserting my wishes. I’ve noticed that evolution happen. And I think that’s a product of writing the book. All I ever wanted was to start a conversation. These are things that I think about every day, and this was my way of saying, can we all think about this? And I see that happening now. And that’s magical.’
‘My Body’ (£16.99, Quercus) is out now. Emily will appear at a digital event in collaboration with PAPIER on 15 December, interviewed by Grazia’s Kenya Hunt (papier.com/events)
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO START A CONVERSATION