‘I was obsessed with this unrealistic aesthetic’
A shocking 71% of us edit selfies before posting them to social media, a recent survey found. As many pledge to curb their Instagram addictions in 2022, Vicky Pattison reveals why she’s trying to tackle her tricky relationship with editing apps...
I REMEMBER THE first time someone introduced me to editing apps. I was in my mid-twenties, impressionable and feeling out of my depth in the world I’d suddenly found myself in as a reality TV star. I’d joined Geordie Shore aged 23 and, since then, have appeared on many TV shows including I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! and Loose Women, building up almost five million followers on Instagram.
To my followers, I may have always looked confident and happy, but behind the scenes that was far from the case. Over the last eight or nine years I’ve actually battled hard with my self-confidence – and an unhealthy relationship with editing apps.
The first one I was introduced to was Facetune, which you can use to edit your skin, features and body. It started small: just a smooth of the face here, removal of a spot there, but, before I knew it, I was completely obsessed. I began altering the shape of my body and messing around with the size of my eyes and lips. I was becoming completely unrecognisable. Looking back, I had become obsessed with this unrealistic aesthetic that I could see all over Instagram. But the problem with the popularity of these apps is that they’ve made ‘perfect’ seem normal.
I began to actively hate my real face and body. Without the smoothing features on my skin, the plumping features on my lips and the slimming features on my thighs, I just didn’t feel worthy. I would sit and stare at photos of other women on social media and wonder how much was real or fake, filters or Facetune. I would agonise over every little detail, feeling worse and worse about myself. I would love to blame my insecurity on the industry I’d found myself in, or social media, but the fact is I’d had issues with my body and looks for a long time. Instagram just exacerbated that. I’m glad that some influencers, like make-up artist Sasha Pallari, are railing against photo editing, and drawing awareness to the adverse effect they can have on your mental health. She’s encouraging social media users to stop altering their photos with her widespread #filterdrop campaign – a hashtag that’s gaining increasing popularity.
I was supposed to be a strong, confident woman in her late-twenties – what were these apps doing to younger girls who perhaps couldn’t spot a filtered picture and just assumed these airbrushed, stunning photos were real? I was making other women feel bad for a moment of validation for myself from strangers online – and that goes against everything I believe in.
Nowadays, I strive to use my platform responsibly, showing both sides of the coin: both the ‘Insta’ and the ‘reality’, as well as trying to talk honestly and openly about issues that affect women. I feel ashamed of myself for perpetuating a culture of unattainable beauty fuelled by editing apps and aggressive filters when I was younger.
I haven’t quit editing apps completely – and that’s something that writing this piece has made me want to do. There are occasions when old feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing flare up and I wish I was slimmer, younger or looked more like the influencers on Instagram. I’ll fiddle with lighting in pics, sharpen them up, maybe smooth a bit of dodgy fake tan.
Still, I’m trying to cut down. I’m a far cry from the scared, lost, desperately insecure person who used to abuse these apps and only like herself after a solid 15-minute edit. Comparison is the thief of joy, and you should never, ever compare your behindthe-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel. Vicky Pattison is the author of ‘The Secret To Happiness’ (£16.99, Sphere)