THE GROWN-UP GUIDE TO HAVING GREAT SEX

How do I tell my partner he doesn’t make me orgasm?

First up, one of the most daunting conversations you can have with someone you like, but also one of the most important topics to raise if you want to be satisfied.

‘Tread carefully with this,’ says Lalalaletmeexplain, the anonymous Instagram dating educator and author of Block, Delete, Move On: It’s Not You, It’s Them. ‘Be sensitive and don’t be accusatory. Most women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, but we also often need more than that. We need our heads to be in the right place, to feel sexy, safe and desired, and our bodies and vaginas warmed up and put in the mood. It’s a whole process.

‘I would start by recommending the book Mind The Gap by Dr Karen Gurney, to help you understand more about how to build intimacy and desire within your relationship as a whole. I’d also sign-up to a sex education platform, such as beducated.com, and consider taking some of the courses together.’

Then how do I tell him what I do want?

Communication is key and knowledge is power, says Julia Kotziamani, sexologist and a love, sex and relationships expert and educator. ‘Exploring the types, speed and pressure of sensations that arouse you is half of the battle. Also, if you have ever faked an orgasm with them you will need to rebuild trust between the two of you, as they may be shocked and upset to feel they have been misled.’

According to Dr Gloria Brame, sexologist and sex therapist, mutual masturbation can help you navigate the topic. ‘Ask him to show you his favourite techniques too, so it seems like a mutual exercise in learning how to please each other,’ she says. ‘Learn to use your hands with each other to understand your partner’s biggest turn-ons.’

What should I be looking for in a sex toy?

Unsure about the dildos and dildon’ts of adult toys? Asking yourself the following questions can help, says sex writer and broadcaster Alix Fox.

‘Think about whether you’re seeking light caresses, firmer presses or intense vibrations, and if you want these to be external, internal or both. Vibrators described as “rumbly” tend to emit stronger sensations, which many women need to orgasm, whereas some people find them overwhelming. What material would you like the toy to be made of ? Supple, soft silicone is popular, while metal, glass and ceramic toys (like designer Adele Brydges’ delicious creations) can be chilled or heated with warm water for temperature play.’

What’s the absolute best sex toy right now – and why?

‘For mighty, mains-fed power tools, Doxy is amazing: its wands can make you climax through your clothes,’ Alix says. ‘On the flipside, Japanese brand Iroha is known for gentle, delicate vibrators, including one that doubles as a floating bathtub mood light. Tenga makes incredibly innovative toys for penises, which I urge more couples to explore.’

How do I introduce a sex toy to the bedroom?

‘It is important to make sure your partner knows that introducing toys isn’t because you aren’t satisfied by them alone,’ Lalalaletmeexplain advises. ‘Let them know it’s a sexy addition and something fun you can enjoy together.’

How do I spice things up with someone I’ve been with for years?

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney, suggests trying something different. ‘This doesn’t have to mean going fully experimental – this could be as simple as trying out a new position,’ she says. Or you can look to introduce sex toys, foreplay dice or an adult board game.

My partner wants to bring a third person into our bedroom but I don’t want to. What should I do?

‘Say no. Set your boundary clearly with this one. You don’t want to do it, if it doesn’t appeal to you, it is a sexual boundary for you and that is it,’ Lalalaletmeexplain says.

How do I have more orgasms?

‘Generally, make sure that your partner focuses on all areas of your body, and not just on penetration – stimulating erogenous zones like the nipples and the clitoris before or during sex will help you on your way,’ Annabelle says.

‘Exercise can help to boost endorphins and reduce stress levels, especially for an often-forgotten muscle, your pelvic floor,’ adds Helen Birch, sex and relationships therapist. ‘The pelvic floor is a muscle just like any other in your body and so it needs working out in the same way. The stronger your pelvic floor, the stronger your orgasms.’