In our post blue tick world, how do we know if we’re important?
ELON MUSK HAS taken my Twitter blue tick away, which is fine by me because, in asking that people buy their tick, as opposed to be considered so fabulously at risk of imitation they need one for verification purposes, Musk has made it cringe to be blue ticked at all.
It does, however, leave us with a quandary: in a post blue tick world, upon what might we rely for a sense of status?
The currency of long-term faves humblebragging (‘Guys! My blow-dry collapsed on the way to the BAFTAS!’), and good person bragging (‘ I wonder what biscuits they’ll be handing out at my blood drive?’) dwindles, thanks to over-reliance and being transparent. Humblebragging briefly pled irony in its own defence, but no one buys that since we realised the brag persistently outweighed the humility; while good person bragging always struggled with both being basic, and a basic truth: really good people don’t brag about it.
Fortunately, the evolving world of fitness provides solid bases by which we might feel superior to everyone else, then tell them about it. There’s Stravabragging (PBS and run routes for all other users to see!), and Garminbragging (‘My wearable tech says I’ve the fitness of a 23-year-old athlete!’). There’ s cold water swimming bragging (‘ Did two degrees in Feb. The lido feels like a bath rn ’) and front row at pi late sb ragging( during which you say nothing, just hope the teacher will announce: ‘If you’re not sure what to do, look at Polly!’).
Foodbragging remains solid grounds for a boast, though make sure you’re doing it right, eh? Twenty years ago, the bold cultural identity of ‘foodie’ meant status was apportioned according to what one did eat (dark chocolate, eels, anything with the prefix ‘gastro’). Now, it’s all about what you don’t. No cow’s milk in your lattes (oat milk, almond milk, ABC! – Anything But Cow!), no ultra-processed foods (meaning you take your specs to Sainsbury’s to scrutinise the ingredients on everything, then pop it all back on shelves because the emulsifiers are everywhere!). You’ve got your Omadders, (One Meal A Day dudes, who eat no more than that because Gary Lineker and Chris Martin don’t), your Glocals (global locals, this year’s vegans) and your Ozempicers, whose prescription to the diabetes drug that doubles as a questionable diet pill means they eat nothing at all.
Elsewhere, we find the righteous ranks of the I’m Too Smart To Watch Anything But
Succession On Telly, Sorry brigade (‘Do you know: I’ve never seen a single episode of
Love Island?!’), also: those who’ve never been tweaked (‘I couldn’t do Botox. Who wants a freaky frozen forehead? OMG babe! No judgement!’)
There are others, but this lot should get you started. Remember: Elon Musk might take our tick – but he’ll never take our capacity to try and show people we’re just a little bit better than they are, actually.