‘I do love Paul’s hands – he’s got doughy fingers’ – Sue
M: That is exclusive. I think it might be a cover story. So, you’re secretly an item? S: Yes, we have been for 30 years. M: Yes, 30 years! Amazing. But Mel, is it true you snogged Dermot O’leary when he worked on Light Lunch?
M: Well, listen. [To Sue] You remember more about it than I do. S: I was bloody there, videoing it! M: [Whispering] It was 40 minutes of... S: [Interrupts.] Forty minutes? M: You said it was 40 minutes because I came back 40 minutes later. Isn’t that right?
S: Well, you told me you had a very interesting conversation with him. I didn’t know about the snogging until later. I think it was about five minutes...
M: Oh, was it only five minutes? I’ve embroidered the story.
S: I think it was five minutes of snogging and 35 minutes of chat. I mean, who snogs someone for 40 minutes? Unless it’s some kind of endurance challenge.
M: I think maybe it was for him. I dread to think I was pinning Dermot down in some incident he didn’t want to be in.
S: I just want to make clear – I didn’t have anything to do with it apart from shackling him beforehand. So, I basically tied him to the chair, made sure the bonds were very secure, and left Mel to it. For 40 minutes. Talking about old memories – what was your first reaction when you met Paul and Mary? M: Well, Perks had met Paul... S: And Mary. Mary had made me a horse meat and margarine steak – and I’m not even joking – in the ’50s episode of Supersizers, the TV series I did with Giles Coren. It was literally a Shergar steak.
M: [Squirms.] Oh no, what was it like? S: Absolutely awful. M: Had she at least bashed it? S: No, it wasn’t tenderised, mate. It was a sort of thick hip of a horse. She was out there carving it for what seemed like two days, and then she brought it in and it had a sort of burnt, gristly side and a bit of hair on it. She just went to the local knackers’ yard to find the meat, I think. So, anyway, I had met Mary, and I’d also seen Paul.
M: And you loved his hands. I remember you going on about his hands... S: Yes, he had doughy fingers. M: My mum had an Aga in the ’70s, so we had all of Mary’s cook books. A nd my cousins used to play a game where they’d pretend to be Mary presenting a cookery show, so she was a figure in our household. We like to think we suggested them both [as judges].
S: I think we suggested Paul. I don’t think we suggested Mary.
M: I think we did. I like to think we did. Maybe I’m embroidering
again, like the Dermot story. I invented Mary! Do you both make up what you say as you go along, or do you write your innuendoes? S: Never. The best ones are always, always on the hoof. M: Actually, some I really overprepare. Perks always knows exactly what’s going on and they never quite deliver. S: The best puns are always ones that Mary’s teed up on a royal tour. We call it the “royal tour” when we go round and chat to the bakers, because Mary’s with us and she’s Queen of Everything. And she’ll always say something like, “I like the flavour of Jason’s plums,” or “I don’t like the taste of seed in my mouth.” M: “Jason’s strained his plums” was one. S: No, I think it was, “I can’t fit Jason’s plums into my mouth.” And then there was, “I do like the moistness of your ring!” So, we’re just amateurs. M: There was one yesterday... S: Was it about nuts? “If you stand too close, you will toast the nuts.” M: Something like that... How has Paul behaved so far this series? M: Poor Paul gets it in the neck every single show. He is th es how’ s only testosteroneproducing organism. S: Or “man”, as they’re known. You can just say he’s a man. M: Thanks, mate. S: Paul loves being surrounded by women. M: He’s got his own little enclave in there [points to the country house] with his TV and armchair, and he watches the Formula One so he can make himself feel manly. S: He’s like a mobile cry for help. He has his Top Gear magazine, his egg-and-chip buttie, his Formula One... M: His hair gel... S: And a lot of cologne. M: He does ramp up the cologne. To exude manliness. Yesterday he revved away in his car and almost mowed down six bakers. S: I think he did it deliberately. And misjudged it. M: They were throwing themselves into the verge! S: We take bets on how often Paul will say, “I don’t like it. I love it!” Weirdly, he’s always punching me. I think he’s sort of in love with me. And maybe I’m in love with him – that’s another exclusive for you. M: He flicks my ears and pokes me. We once asked Simon Cowell about Bake Off, and he was stunned by its success and couldn’t work out how it had become more popular than his shows. Do you know why it’s so huge? S: Because it ’s not about revenue. And it’s not about ratings. And it’s not about the manufacture of drama. It’s a village fete – it’s the quintessence of everyday British life with everyone being pretty decent and just wanting to make a nice bun. I’m not knocking Simon Cowell, because he’s a way more successful person than I’ll ever be, but in those shows it’s about people who want to be a star. People who want fame for its own sake. We’ve just got people who want to be good bakers. Are you surprised by just how massive the show is now? S: Yes, and actually we’ve been doing this show for seven years now, and so it’s incrementally crept up. It’s not like we started doing it and 15million people watched. It sort of languished a little bit on BBC2 first, with a lovely couple of million viewers watching us as we made a series of awful, awkward sex puns over a baguette... M: ...And with no styling. That’s what I loved. S: Oh yes, in that first series, I looked like a prostitute dragged through a river bank. M: And we bought our own clothes, which is always a massive mistake. Do you remember that Primark jacket? The lace one that got filled with the custard? A £3 navy blue jacket from Primark, in episode six. Wow – you remember which episode it was in? S: Yes, I custard-pied her in that episode, in a sequence that was edited out. So Mel just looked like someone had jizzed all over her. Sue, as host of the Game Of Thrones fan show, have you got Mary and Paul into it? S: Paul’s got massively into it, but I think Mary would find the genitals a bridge too far. M: Having said that, we did introduce Mary to The Jeremy Kyle Show, and she rather enjoyed it. S: Yes, but the guests don’t get their penises out on that show, do they? M: No, but they talk about them all the time. S: Mary does love Jezza Kyle now. I think she thinks Jeremy Kyle the show is a drama, though, rather than real life. Finally, what’s the best thing about doing Bake Off ? S: Without wanting to sound