Banishing sex myths – the Sex Doctor will see you now
For anyone who’s ever worried their sex life is nothing like it looks in the movies (that’ll be most of us, then)
Whatever sex we are (or aren’t) having, we’re always convinced everyone else is having more, better and wilder experiences than we are. But if what’s going on between your bedsheets is more Cold Feet than
Love Island, don’t fret, as we spoke to Harley Street’s Dr Karen Gurney aka @thesexdoctor to debunk the myths about your sex life – and everyone else’s.
THE MYTH: EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX ABOUT THREE TIMES A WEEK THE TRUTH:
“The ‘three times a week’ myth is such a biggie, and something that I see in all ages,” says Karen. “Sexual satisfaction is completely unrelated to sexual frequency – it’s worse to have regular sex that’s not very good. You could do it once a year, and that would be completely fine if it’s pleasurable and connecting. If you’re having sex regularly because that’s what you think you should do, but the act itself is boring and not pleasurable, it’s bad for your sex life in the long-term.
“Pressure is terrible for desire. As soon as we feel like we have to have sex, we generally don’t want to, which is why I often say to couples that weekends away in hotels or wedding nights are generally bad times –the more people feel like they have to do it, the more they don’t want to. The quest of trying to have sex three times a week just feels like a chore more than anything else. If couples make time for physical intimacy where they are not necessarily having sex, but where desire can emerge, they will find that they end up having a lot more sex overall.”
THE MYTH: MEN HAVE A HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN WOMEN THE TRUTH:
“I want women to understand that there’s nothing wrong with them if they don’t think about sex,” Karen tells us. “They just need to find ways to trigger that desire. W hen we’re not feeling it, or when our partner kisses us in a way that makes us think they want more when we don’t, we shut it down because we don’t want to give the wrong idea. We get caught in the belief that you can’t turn a man on and then turn them away. Sometimes our desire needs to be triggered from outside
of our partner. I get women to use audio erotica apps like Dipsea and Ferly, seek out ethical porn that isn’t misogynistic, or watch a film with a good sex scene in it. In the right circumstances, if you try to trigger your desire, it will then follow. In turn, that gives women the confidence to know what to ask for in a relationship. A partner saying, ‘We haven’t had sex in three weeks, shall we have a shag?’ isn’t enough to trigger desire. One partner who’s not feeling any spontaneity waits for it to appear out of the blue, which is unlikely to happen, and the other partner doesn’t feel confident enough to help them trigger it.”
THE MYTH: LONGTERM RELATIONSHIPS = SHIT SEX
THE TRUTH: Karen explains, “A lot of research tells us that it’s entirely possible to have amazing sex over decades of being together. It’s not being in a long-term relationship that decreases your desire, it’s all the other things that come with it – like overfamiliarity, being in a routine and sex always being the same. People give each other the scraps and save their fun, happy side for work or friends. The longer you’re together, the more you need to know how to navigate those things. It’s perfectly possible for your sex life to get better over time. You need to raise sexual currency and how you relate to your partner day-to-day, and then make a sexual connection. When we make time for physical intimacy, like hanging out in bed, having a massage and talking about our day, it’s more likely to stimulate our desire, and sex will follow. It makes you feel like a sexual couple, whether you’re having sex or not, and makes the transition into sex easier.
“You also have to move away from the idea that sex is a set menu with things happening in a certain order. A good start is to find a way to talk about sex not ending with the same act. For women, there are lots of other acts that lead to more reliable orgasms than penetrative sex. Often, women worry about asking for something different because it goes against what they think sex should look like. We need to have more of those conversations in both casual and long-term relationships.” ■
Mind The Gap: The Truth About Your Desire, A nd How To Futureproof Your Sex Life by Dr Karen Gurney is out now (£14.99, Headline)