In USA it’s panic-buying bullets, here it’s toilet rolls

PANIC buying used to be when the landlord shouted last orders and everyone headed to the bar. But with the coronavirus pandemic, Brits panicked over their bathroom habits and emptied the shelves of toilet paper.

“It’s typical,” my wife Maria commented. “In America they have been panic buying bullets, over here it’s toilet rolls.”

Which just about sums up the difference between us and our cousins across the pond as to what we hold most dear.

As previously reported, I’ve been stuck at home since Boxing Day with sciatica and back problems and am waiting for surgery. Maria goes out to do bits of shopping but that will change as we are about to try Morrisons home delivery and become real stay-at-homers in selfisolation. We haven’t been to the pub or had an alcoholic drink, since Christmas.

We have settled into a routine that is almost like being institutionalised, although our house is a lot more comfortable than a cell in Armley jail, and we maintain a social life by telephone. Well, Maria does. I’ve always had a solitary side, am quite happy in my own head, and writing this helps.

Daughter Siobhan, worried because of our ages, frequently calls from Ireland and insists we brick up the front door and let no one inside the house until the virus has been defeated.

I said that was a bit extreme but offered to paint a red cross plague sign on it instead. Other daughter Sian, who lives nearby, is supportive in a more conventional way.

We have avoided the fake miracle cures that have flooded social media, such as ginger tea, Yoga, meditation, garlic and drinking bleach. Snorting cocaine doesn’t work either, nor the nasal spray that promises to disinfect your nose, and washing your hands in vodka is a waste of money and vodka because it’s only 40% proof and sanitisers have to be 60%.

But the national obsession with the virus did lead me to wonder, briefly, if my beard and moustache could be a catchment area and health hazard for the virus, as I have noticed that if I have Marmite for breakfast the taste stays with me all day.

Even though we haven’t been out we wash our hands several times a day, just to make it routine. The only part of the NHS advice on staying healthy that is difficult to maintain, is not to touch your face. You can’t even scratch your nose with impunity, never mind your finger.

We have settled into a routine that is almost

like being institutionalised.