I know the twins can toddle – but I want to

VICTORIA and I share a few unspoken arrangements regarding the twins.

They’re never discussed, but assume a legal status in our relationship.

For example, I collect the twins from nursery in my car, drive them home and carry one child to Victoria at the front door.

I return to the car and collect the second offspring to hand to Victoria, who, by this time, has strapped the first into a high chair to prevent escape.

There’s a minute or two in which I’m permitted to unload shopping before I return to the house and await further duties.

It’s a necessity because we haven’t got a driveway and are forced to park on the road.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m sure there are people worse off than me, even though it’s genuinely become a burden.

In fact, one of my unexpected life goals now includes a parking space outside my front door, replacing an earlier ambition of driving a Porsche.

Unfortunately, Victoria was working late the other day, so I picked them up then drove them home.

I decided to carry Emma inside first, not because I’d rather Thomas was stolen, but she complains if she sits in a stationary car.

I locked the car, ran inside, threw her in the high chair and realised in the space of 20 seconds, I’d lost my keys.

After a frantic search of less than a minute, I spotted them in the corner of the hallway and realised they’d fallen out of my pocket.

I grabbed them, dashed out and realised cars have an interior motion sensor, which is activated when the car is locked.

Thomas had triggered the interior motion sensor and the car looked as though it was