We need to talk about sex and relationships with our children
This week: Our schools must help kids prepare for life
THE first time we discussed anything to do with relationships and sexuality at my secondary school was about reproduction, in Biology class. I was 15 years old and we all knew what was coming. The teacher rolled out an ancient TV set with the solemnity of a pallbearer, then slowly – regretfully – slotted in the VHS cassette and pressed play.
Psychedelic cartoon sperm swam across the screen, and one boy fainted.
We had to endure this a second time, when the same TV was once again remorsefully retrieved from the Biology store – and the same boy fainted.
We never discussed reproduction in a classroom again.
It struck me then that this was not the Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) we wanted – or needed.
Growing up in Zimbabwe as a child, I had experienced age-appropriate education on healthy relationships at primary school.
Given the prevalence of HIV and AIDS, it was a crucial policy decision. It baffled me then that when it came to RSE, Northern Ireland lagged behind a country where corporal punishment was still legal!
Our system has long been failing our young people, so much so that the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) made a recommendation to the UK Government to do something about it, which resulted in the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland updating the RSE curriculum while the Assembly was down.
The legislation brought in last year, and which came into effect in January, aims to make comprehensive and scientifically accurate sexual and reproductive health education compulsory for adolescents.
However, it also allows for parents to exclude their children from lessons they deem unnecessary, or inappropriate, including LGBT+ topics, sexual health, pregnancy prevention and access to abortion.
Some people will say this is correct, and parental choice here is important. While I support parents having access to the information being taught, I am opposed to the ability to opt-out, and I also think we need to start earlier.
By beginning RSE at a young age, children learn to talk about their feelings and relationships, and will be better prepared for puberty.
Research actually shows that rather than increasing sexual activity – which seems to be a concern of those opposed to standardisation – it can actually delay sexual activity, and when young people do decide to have sex, they are more likely to use contraception.
The reality is that RSE topics are all interlinked, and limiting access to parts of the course leaves young people vulnerable to misinformation.
An effective RSE curriculum, tailored to stages of development, should impartially teach age-appropriate, comprehensive and scientifically accurate content.
Far better for young people to ask a question to someone trusted, than to be left to search for the answer online.
The Belfast Youth Forum’s 2019 report found that young people often rely on friends and social media for sexuality and relationship education.
I feel very strongly that comprehensive RSE does not just give a young person information about forming positive relationships, it gives them an understanding of personal boundaries, consent and, crucially, the ability to identify abuse.
Since becoming a parent, ending child abuse is something I have become more and more invested in.
As a mother and a legislator, how can I help protect our children? We don’t know exactly how many children in the UK and Ireland experience child abuse, because it’s mostly hidden from view.
Adults may not recognise the signs that their children are being abused, and the child may not recognise they are being abused, or be too young, too scared or too ashamed to tell anyone what is happening to them.
This newspaper’s Editor has done more than most to bring the darkest of issues into the light.
I have been greatly inspired by a brave young woman called Haileigh Ashtonlamont who waived her anonymity to speak about the decade of childhood sexual abuse she had suffered at the hands of her stepfather.
She was robbed of her childhood and had to fight the system for justice. Haileigh shouldn’t have had to go through any of this, and I wonder how many people have been harmed as a society because we have not allowed space for safe discussion about relationships.
Damage has undoubtedly been caused by not preparing our young people, but it doesn’t have to be that way – we can do something about it now.
The NI Assembly Education Committee, on which I sit, will soon be conducting a mini-inquiry into RSE, which will present MLAS the opportunity for constructive engagement with organisations and individuals.
It’s a chance to share experiences, learn, and collectively strive for a more informed and empowered generation.
Imagine a dynamic classroom where age-appropriate discussions about life and values and relationships were encouraged.
Where parents and teachers had the confidence and resources to facilitate exploration of what healthy and safe relationships looked like.
Where young people grew up secure in their sexuality, knowing what is appropriate, legal and safe, and how to seek support when needed.
Such a prospect should elicit hope, not fear.
I want to sign off by saying that I hope if you’re reading this, you have never experienced violation or abuse.
There’s a chance you may have though, and if this is something you have carried on your own, or never sought help for, please know there are people wanting to help you with that burden – even if it is one you have shouldered for a long time.
You matter and you have value. You are not to blame.
For support, see
com/helplines/. https://findhelpni.
Kate Nicholl is an Alliance Party MLA for South Belfast and is the party’s spokesperson on Early Years & Childcare.