Why I agree with the saying two’s company, three’s a crowd
In tango, tennis and transport, we seem to favour twos or fours over odd numbers. It’s nice and even. Balanced. But the throuple – three people in a relationship – challenges all this. It’s all the rage at the moment and Zendaya’s new film, Challengers, is about to bring this romantic dynamic to the mainstream.
Now, I think we can all agree, the more love and harmony in the world, the better. But is the throuple set-up something the more traditional among us should be envious of? Are we all missing out? Sorry, but I’m not convinced.
Let’s look at the circumstances in which living in a throuple would be the most exhausting – and annoying – thing ever.
Playing catch
Throwing a ball between two people for approximately 40 minutes is way better than doing it three ways. There is a certain intensity and focus that the third person dilutes, turning the game into non-committal child’s play.
Using the shower
While manageable within the constraints of a traditional couple, adding a third to a shower rota would only bring misery. You would have to come up with some very strict rules and stick them to the fridge door: order, admissible duration, how to properly squeegee the shower glass, who owns what in terms of beauty products.
Being a third wheel
We have all third-wheeled at some point in our lives, sitting in a pub next to a snogging couple and doom-scrolling Instagram for three hours. Now imagine doing this constantly. Permanently living in a sidecar, looking to your left, seeing two become one while you’re sitting by yourself in a steel marsupium.
Finding time for yourself
You can forget about this one in a throuple. There would be someone around all the time. Not a moment of peace. Always someone in your vicinity, asking you the name of an actor that they are positive they have seen before somewhere. You try to get away from it all, go to the toilet and look at your phone for 10 minutes. But no, there’s someone in there having a shower.
Choosing what to watch
Choosing between Fallout, Shogun and Baby Reindeer would simply not be worth the hassle. My guess is, any self-respecting throuple owns at least three television sets. I cannot see any other way.
Deciding what to have for dinner Passing the question around like a never-ending parcel, getting progressively hungrier and grumpier until your blood sugar is so low that you just say the first thing that comes to mind and it’s something like: Pot Noodle but delivered.
My guess is, any self-respecting throuple owns at least three television sets
I’m more than happy to be proven wrong about throuples but even happier being incredibly right and winning this argument – something else that would be hard to do in a throuple.