The Gifts That Keep On Giving – what should your soap favourites get for Christmas?

We’ve selected some very practical gifts for our soap favourites…

KEANU EASTENDERS

He’s now dallying with Louise, but soon enough Keanu will be back at it with his true love – the sainted Sharon. So for Keanu, we have this lovely shark cage. It might keep him safe when Phil finds out he’s been diddling both his wife and his daughter!

KATE CORRIE

She’s desperate to have a baby, and yet has foolishly forgotten about Weatherfield’s most virile man. Steve Mcdonald could get an ironing board pregnant if he folded it too enthusiastically. So, Kate – here’s a bottle of red and a box-set of Steve’s favourite TV show. Let the seduction commence!

CAIN EMMERDALE

Cain has lost his mojo recently – like Superman after eating a

Kryptonite cream cake. Sadly, you can’t buy mojo in the shops (we’ve tried), so instead we’ll arrange the safe return of Joe Tate, alive and well, so Cain can get back to his thumping best.

EVELYN CORRIE

Normally we’d hope for a new character to make some friends – but what snooty Evelyn needs is more enemies. Here’s a pair of

binoculars, so she can scan the Street from Tyrone’s bedroom window – spying out gossip to throw in her neighbours’ faces when they least expect it.

PADDY EMMERDALE

It’s no secret that his former squeeze Mandy Dingle will be exploding back into Paddy’s life in 2019 – and we can’t help but recall that, the last time he saw her, they enjoyed ‘one for the road’. That was 17 years ago – so here’s a book to help Paddy deal with life with a teenage child.

ADAM & IMRAM CORRIE

Inside Soap would never objectify

anyone merely for their physical charms.

Adam and Imran are successful, educated solicitors! (That said, should they ever fancy a change from their suits, we’d like them to consider these very important legal briefs.)

BRENDA EMMERDALE

For benevolent Brenda, this electrified

cattle prod. We worry that she’s just too soft-hearted, you see, and might soon welcome cheating

Bob Hope(less) back into her bed. Frankly, she deserves a lot better. Give him a quick jab where it counts, Brenda!

HUNTER & MEL EASTENDERS

The nut hasn’t fallen far from the tree when it comes to Hunter Owen. And we can’t help but fear that one day soon, he’ll be dragging a rug-wrapped corpse through Epping Forest, just like his dad Steve. He might need his mum to help – so here’s a shovel for each of them.

BEV EASTENDERS

Every story needs a villain, and Bev is Ursula, Cruella and Maleficent all rolled into one. She needs to settle in

Walford – so, short of building her a

Dark Fortress of

Evil, here’s the key to No 1 Albert Square, and as many flying monkeys as she can squeeze into the back bedroom.