My research tells me all I need to know

Oh, the agony. My right foot is throbbing and I am hobbling around with a stick.

Mrs Nurden, who works in the NHS and so should know about these things, peered at the injury and announced: “You’ve got gout.” “Gout!” I responded. “But that’s for old men!” She flashed me one of her looks which I understood to mean she thought I had hit the nail on the head.

If I was supermarket food I am sure she believes I would now be on the end aisle of bargains, 24-hours from their sell-by dates.

Gout is widely regarded as a rich man’s disease because sufferers share a diet of red meat, port and ale. King Henry Vlll had it, apparently.

Mrs Nurden believes I have brought it on myself but I dispute this. I enjoy a pint or a glass of fortified wine but only for medicinal purposes, you understand.

And my red meat is liberally mixed with chicken.

A lack of vegetables is purely down to Lent. Well, I had to give something up.

No, I believe blaming gout on food and booze is false.

I have consulted the internet which never lies and have discovered the true source of this pernicious illness.

Could it be to do with your kidneys, inflammation, a blood disorder or a reaction to certain tablets?

Absolutely not. After completing my exhaustive research I can reveal that the biggest single common denominator is... women. Look at Henry Vlll. There have been many kings and queens who have dined on fine food and quaffed gallons of mead. But only Henry was laid-up with a wonky foot.

So what did he have which the others didn’t? Exactly. Six wives.

Anyone who has lived with the likes of Mrs Nurden knows this can have a terrible effect on a man. According to my findings, single men hardly ever suffer from the condition and it is unheard of in the fairer sex.

My problem now is to find a cure so I can return to full mobility and go back to the pub...