Taking a trip into the Lion’s den

Our pub spy went in search of a pint in one Kent town, but had to work to find one…

Finding myself with an hour or two to kill in the centre of Dover I set out to discover a decent town centre boozer. The first place I caame tot was the Castle Inn n but pints haven’t been pulled here for a good while. Then just round the corner I found the but the shutters weere firmly pulled down att thithis one too, so I pressed on.

It didn’t feel like a Spoons’ day so I sidestepped the Eight Bells and a couple of doors further along the road also passed the

Roman Quay Lounge. Lava

Just beginning to give up hope I rounded one more corner and before I saw it, I heard the Golden Lion in Priory Street (the speaker outside has music blaring into the street, even on a Sunday afternoon).

I entered via the corner door of this small L-shaped pub and very nearly went A over T as I stumbled up a cunningly disguised step dividing one half of the pub from the other.

NATTY SCARVES AND BROGUES

Unsurprisingly this led to a volley of mickey taking from barmaid Olwyn who told me most customers only trip up on their way out of the pub.

I asked what was the best beer but, having already run an eye along the pumps – Carling; Fosters; Amstel; John Smiths; Kronenbourg – I decided to try the 4.6% Madri. Having chosen a Spanish lager Olwyn felt the need to add an appropriate accent even though the regulars dismissed her effort as a mix of Scottish, Pakistani and her own Irish twang.

There were already plenty of other guys sitting quietly at their own tables so I stuck with t he foundo theme myself and a perch under the jukebox.

To my right thhere was a slighhtly classier area off the pub with pictures on the wall and books in a case by the fireplace and this space was occupied by better dressed folk, sporting natty scarves and brogues. In reality, though, this place passes itself off as a sports pub by virtue of the fact it has three TV screens.

While I was in, two were showing the Cazoo UK Open darts and one, which flickered constantly, featured obscure European football teams playing in their own national leagues.

There’s an empty rack, which used to house cues, and the remains of an old overhead light fitting indicating the lower half of the pub used to feature a pool table – although, looking at the size of bar there can’t have been much room to wield a cue.

In the absence of any games in the pub, like darts or pool, and no proper sport on the telly, the regulars lined up at the bar like three not-so-wise monkeys decided to create their own entertainment.

DODGY SONGS ON THE JUKEBOX

This consisted of playing dodgy songs on the jukebox and, as the lyric from Salt-n-pepa suggested, they chose to ‘talk about sex’.

I hadn’t a clue what the phrases meant, though a shocked Olwyn emitted squeals of horror.

Fortunately the conversation shifted to diets and the three monkeys began debating who was the fattest.

Olwyn popped to the loo and the newly-crowned fattest monkey stepped behind the bar to pour his own Guinness.

When she returned they all disappeared out to the pavement at the front of the pub for a fag.

I took the opportunity to grab a second pint and a packet of crisps.

The Kronenbourg was the same price as the Madri, an exceptionally reasonable £3.10 but a packet of Tayto salt and vinegar was £1.20. I know people rave about these Irish crisps but they generally taste a little stale to me and always seem pricey.

The three locals stood at the bar continued to dominate, each with their own hacking cough as they cackled along to each other’s jokes – funnily enough you could still hear their conversation perfectly clearly through the thin, single door of the gents.

While on the subject, the toilets weren’t too bad and, although they had a slight whiff generally appeared fairly clean.

I decided not to risk the step on the way out and avoided it by using the smoker’s door to exit.

The phrase ‘too much information’ is more relevant here than anywhere else and, having checked the sexual practices on urban dictionary there are two related to winter pastimes and one inner galactic operation I can assure you I will not be trying.

If you look carefully you’ll spot the disguised step I tripped up in such an ungainly manner; The ad slogan on the front of Tayto crisps reads ‘The Secret’s in the Flavour’ but in my experience the taste doesn’t live up to the price of this brand

The three not-so-wise monkeys left their various unfinished pints on the bar while they popped out for a fag