Having a laugh!
top comics tips for 2015-16
1. How do you think your favourite team will get on this season? If Palace just manage to stay up, I shall be delighted. Younger fans may be disappointed but I’m struggling to cope with all this competent football and being safe from relegation by March. We are in a league we can’t win so we may as well get some excitement by staying up on the last day of the season. In reality, we will probably buy a couple of big French lads and a striker Chelsea don’t need then finish 10th. My team is Southampton. Despite losing so many players last year, we still had a brilliant season. I have faith in big Ronnie K. I can see us being BIG stars on Channel 5’s League Cup coverage this season! My favourite team is Arsenal and I think we might actually win the league next year. Or more likely, we will get linked with loads of expensive players but Arsene will instead buy a 16-year-old from Bosnia we’ve never heard of; Wenger will get booed a lot, he’ll struggle to zip up his coat, lots of journalists will say our defence is rubbish even if we don’t concede a goal for 20 games and we will then probably finish 3rd
or 4th. With Big Sam gone, I think it will benefit West Ham. I was hoping that we could get Russell Brand in as our manager. Although with a sex drive like his, he’s probably better suited with Leicester! 2. Who will win the Premier League? West Brom will win the Premier League. No one else will predict that and if it happens you can hail me as a genius. Trouble is, you’d also have to hail Tony Pulis as a genius which is already the least he expects. In reality, Chelsea will win the Premier League and hopefully Arsenal will flirt with winning it and we can all laugh at their rage when it doesn’t happen. Chelsea. If they are top by Christmas with loads of points then they should be made to play rush keepers or a player from the stands at random is made to play in the starting eleven. Then and only then will we see how good they are. Probably Chelsea. It’s actually good if they win because it gives me even more reason to dislike John Terry. Even if they score 300 goals and win every game 8-0, as an Arsenal fan I’m legally obliged to call them
boring. I think a London club. Even though they’ve got a special one up front, I don’t think that’ll be Spurs... 3. Who will win the FA Cup? That very much depends on how seriously the top four clubs take it. As long as it’s not Millwall or Brighton I genuinely don’t care, I mean I genuinely don’t mind. Palace will get to the fourth round and we’ll assume we’re going to win it before getting knocked out by some over-motivated League One side.
It will be a Bournemouth vs Saints thriller. Mark my words. Let’s go with Crystal Palace. Even though he’s a bit of a silverhaired clown, Alan Pardew seems to be a bit of a miracle worker. He’s also very handsome for a man his age so I think it would be a nice face to see on the news a bit more. Arsenal – and that’ll be the only treble they’ll ever accomplish. 4. Who will be top scorer in the Premier League? Despite the fact I enjoy laughing at Arsenal (mainly because so many friends support them and I don’t share their belief that winning the FA Cup and finishing 3rd in the Premier League is ‘under-achieving’), they are the only team I would pay to watch. And I’d pay double to watch Alexis Sanchez. He’ll be top scorer in the Prem. Or Glenn Murray. Love it to be Harry Kane. I think Sergio Aguero would but his hamstrings might pack their bags and go to Madrid before then so I think it will actually be my new favourite man on planet earth: Alexis Sanchez. He’s really good at scoring all sorts of goals, including absolutely mutilating it from outside the box. Diego Costa – if he can decide whether he wants to be a footballer or prize fighter. 5. Who will be the outstanding player in the country? Well, in his own way, James Milner is outstanding, if you want someone to be brilliant at running up and down. SEE Kevin Day – Hair
line at the Gilded Balloon Billiards Room during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from August 5-29. For tickets, visit www.gildedballoon.co.uk I work with a smug Gooner but could be Sanchez.
SEE Christian O’Connell – You’ve Ruined My Morn
ing…And Other Fan Mail at the Gilded Balloon: Nightclub during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from August 7-29. For tickets, visit www.gildedballoon.co.uk Mesut Ozil. It has to be. The guy is like a wizard composer. But even if he sets up 300 goalscoring chances, Jamie Carragher will slag him off for not being good at tackling.
SEE Chris Martin –The Show
has a Soundtrack at The Free Sisters: Maggie’s Chamber during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from July 30–August 24. For more information, visit www.chrismartincomedy.co.uk I don’t know but I think Sepp Blatter is PFA Player of the Year as it is already paid for.
SEE Kevin J: Council
Estate of Mind at the Gilded Balloon – The Study during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from August 5-30. For tickets, visit www.gildedballoon.co.uk