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top comics tips for 2015-16

Late Tackle Football Magazine - - FRONT PAGE -

1. How do you think your favourite team will get on this sea­son? If Palace just man­age to stay up, I shall be de­lighted. Younger fans may be dis­ap­pointed but I’m strug­gling to cope with all this com­pe­tent football and be­ing safe from rel­e­ga­tion by March. We are in a league we can’t win so we may as well get some ex­cite­ment by stay­ing up on the last day of the sea­son. In re­al­ity, we will prob­a­bly buy a cou­ple of big French lads and a striker Chelsea don’t need then fin­ish 10th. My team is Southamp­ton. De­spite los­ing so many play­ers last year, we still had a bril­liant sea­son. I have faith in big Ron­nie K. I can see us be­ing BIG stars on Chan­nel 5’s League Cup cov­er­age this sea­son! My favourite team is Ar­se­nal and I think we might ac­tu­ally win the league next year. Or more likely, we will get linked with loads of ex­pen­sive play­ers but Arsene will in­stead buy a 16-year-old from Bos­nia we’ve never heard of; Wenger will get booed a lot, he’ll strug­gle to zip up his coat, lots of jour­nal­ists will say our de­fence is rub­bish even if we don’t con­cede a goal for 20 games and we will then prob­a­bly fin­ish 3rd

or 4th. With Big Sam gone, I think it will ben­e­fit West Ham. I was hop­ing that we could get Rus­sell Brand in as our man­ager. Although with a sex drive like his, he’s prob­a­bly bet­ter suited with Le­ices­ter! 2. Who will win the Premier League? West Brom will win the Premier League. No one else will pre­dict that and if it hap­pens you can hail me as a ge­nius. Trou­ble is, you’d also have to hail Tony Pulis as a ge­nius which is al­ready the least he ex­pects. In re­al­ity, Chelsea will win the Premier League and hope­fully Ar­se­nal will flirt with win­ning it and we can all laugh at their rage when it doesn’t hap­pen. Chelsea. If they are top by Christ­mas with loads of points then they should be made to play rush keep­ers or a player from the stands at ran­dom is made to play in the start­ing eleven. Then and only then will we see how good they are. Prob­a­bly Chelsea. It’s ac­tu­ally good if they win be­cause it gives me even more rea­son to dis­like John Terry. Even if they score 300 goals and win ev­ery game 8-0, as an Ar­se­nal fan I’m legally obliged to call them

bor­ing. I think a Lon­don club. Even though they’ve got a spe­cial one up front, I don’t think that’ll be Spurs... 3. Who will win the FA Cup? That very much de­pends on how se­ri­ously the top four clubs take it. As long as it’s not Mill­wall or Brighton I gen­uinely don’t care, I mean I gen­uinely don’t mind. Palace will get to the fourth round and we’ll as­sume we’re go­ing to win it be­fore get­ting knocked out by some over-mo­ti­vated League One side.

It will be a Bournemouth vs Saints thriller. Mark my words. Let’s go with Crys­tal Palace. Even though he’s a bit of a sil­ver­haired clown, Alan Pardew seems to be a bit of a mir­a­cle worker. He’s also very hand­some for a man his age so I think it would be a nice face to see on the news a bit more. Ar­se­nal – and that’ll be the only tre­ble they’ll ever ac­com­plish. 4. Who will be top scorer in the Premier League? De­spite the fact I en­joy laugh­ing at Ar­se­nal (mainly be­cause so many friends sup­port them and I don’t share their belief that win­ning the FA Cup and fin­ish­ing 3rd in the Premier League is ‘un­der-achiev­ing’), they are the only team I would pay to watch. And I’d pay dou­ble to watch Alexis Sanchez. He’ll be top scorer in the Prem. Or Glenn Mur­ray. Love it to be Harry Kane. I think Ser­gio Aguero would but his ham­strings might pack their bags and go to Madrid be­fore then so I think it will ac­tu­ally be my new favourite man on planet earth: Alexis Sanchez. He’s re­ally good at scor­ing all sorts of goals, in­clud­ing ab­so­lutely mu­ti­lat­ing it from out­side the box. Diego Costa – if he can de­cide whether he wants to be a foot­baller or prize fighter. 5. Who will be the out­stand­ing player in the coun­try? Well, in his own way, James Mil­ner is out­stand­ing, if you want some­one to be bril­liant at run­ning up and down. SEE Kevin Day – Hair

line at the Gilded Bal­loon Bil­liards Room dur­ing the Ed­in­burgh Fes­ti­val Fringe from Au­gust 5-29. For tick­ets, visit www.gild­ed­bal­loon.co.uk I work with a smug Gooner but could be Sanchez.

SEE Chris­tian O’Con­nell – You’ve Ru­ined My Morn

ing…And Other Fan Mail at the Gilded Bal­loon: Night­club dur­ing the Ed­in­burgh Fes­ti­val Fringe from Au­gust 7-29. For tick­ets, visit www.gild­ed­bal­loon.co.uk Me­sut Ozil. It has to be. The guy is like a wiz­ard com­poser. But even if he sets up 300 goalscor­ing chances, Jamie Car­ragher will slag him off for not be­ing good at tack­ling.

SEE Chris Martin –The Show

has a Sound­track at The Free Sis­ters: Mag­gie’s Cham­ber dur­ing the Ed­in­burgh Fes­ti­val Fringe from July 30–Au­gust 24. For more in­for­ma­tion, visit www.chris­mart­in­com­edy.co.uk I don’t know but I think Sepp Blat­ter is PFA Player of the Year as it is al­ready paid for.

SEE Kevin J: Coun­cil

Es­tate of Mind at the Gilded Bal­loon – The Study dur­ing the Ed­in­burgh Fes­ti­val Fringe from Au­gust 5-30. For tick­ets, visit www.gild­ed­bal­loon.co.uk

Chris­tian O’Con­nell Kevin J

Chris­tian O’Con­nell

Kevin Day

Chris Martin

Kevin Day

Kevin J

Kevin Day

Chris Martin

All smiles: New Liver­pool sign­ing James Mil­ner cel­e­brates in pre-sea­son – and comic Kevin Day reck­ons he’s ‘out­stand­ing’

Chris Martin Kevin J

Chris­tian O’Con­nell

Chris­tian O’Con­nell

Kevin J Chris Martin

Chris Martin

Chris­tian O’Con­nell

Kevin Day

Kevin Day

Kevin J

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